In light of the recent school shooting in Florida, I have realized that I need to exercise my right to bear arms. It is the only way to keep my family safe. I used to think a knife or a bat was enough. Then maybe a handgun or shotgun. Later I thought, no, an AR-15 under the bed should do the trick. In light of recent events, I have deteremined that the only way I can properly exercise my right to bear arms is to go nuclear.
Yes, Editor, I have decided I need to make my own nuclear weapon. You see, nukes don’t kill people — people kill people (thanks for help in understanding that, NRA!). So I’ve been saving my bitcoin. The plan initially was to buy enough plutonium to build a flux capacitor, which as we all know, is what makes time travel possible.
But now I will need the plutonium to build six miniaturized nuclear weapons. One for me, my wife, and each of my four children. Thank goodness our founding fathers had the foresight to allow us the iron-clad right to keep and bear destructive weapons regardless of any other condition.
Now hold on, I’m gonna have to cancel some of my mental-health doctor appointments to make time for this new project.
Brent Pace, Salt Lake City