I read fellow Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Gehrke’s political predictions for 2018. Robert, a self-effacing and diligent journalist, gives himself a 75 percent chance of being “wrong.”
Since I’m only capable of doing single-digit arithmetic, I have no idea what a 75 percent Gehrke margin means.
Among the number of predictions Gehrke made are really scary ones like Orrin Hatch becoming a senator for life — which even though Hatch has since announced his retirement at the end of his term, still could come true if he dies before that.
Then there’s the prediction that a medical marijuana initiative won’t pass and that the congressional race between Rep. Mia Love and Salt County Mayor Ben McAdams will come down to a pistol duel in the middle of Redwood Road.
I’m paraphrasing, of course. I like Hatch but do think it’s time for him to ride off into the sunset. I also like Love, but I’m voting for McAdams because Utah Republicans, in general, annoy me.
Finally, another failed medicinal marijuana initiative is sufficient cause for armed revolt. Sonny and I are building a guillotine just in case. The blade is going to be extra dull.
Why? Because dull will hurt more, won’t it?
Anyway, I have a list of 2018 predictions of my own. The difference between the two Predicting Roberts is that my forecasts are not politically based and are therefore more reliable, regardless of how insane they sound. Ready?
This is the year that humans make verifiable (meaning pictures, media coverage and their own television series) contact with extraterrestrial intelligent life. I predict this will occur sometime at the end of summer.
I also foresee that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s death will be announced as having occurred “on the battlefield while personally leading a charge into South Korea,” although most U.S. military analysts believe his death is attributed to trying to do a pushup. Both are wrong.
President Donald Trump will fulfill his promise of building a wall along the U.S. border with Mexico. It will consist of 1,954 miles of Legos stacked six inches high, none of which Mexico pays for.
An executive order from the White House allowing law enforcement to use skin color chits as a way of determining probable cause for the stop, arrest and deportation of suspects will be struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.
During a sold-out concert in the spring, Kanye West’s head will implode, sucking people, vehicles and buildings into a geologic rift so large that it later becomes a major tourist attraction known as “Kanye’s Kanyon.” When a person yodels into this chasm, the echo returns as something that can be described only as “Swiss mountain rap.”
In Utah, the LDS Church announces a “partial priesthood” status for worthy members who can prove they were born hermaphroditic. This automatically includes all converts from the extraterrestrial species contacted earlier this year.
Federal agents smash open the doors of our homes and arrest Sonny and me so that NASA officials can question us about sports implements observed orbiting the Earth.
After being held incommunicado for a month, we are released when a smuggled North Korean autopsy report reveals that a pool ball (No. 2) somehow entered the Great Leader’s navel and exited his a--.
Wait and see if I’m not right. In the meantime, hopefully we come up with a decent medical marijuana law.