You better watch out, you better not cry. Better not pout, I’m telling you why: Donald Trump is comin’ to town.
Monday, in fact.
The president is visiting Utah to — depending on one’s view — trim/vandalize Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments.
I lean toward the “leave the monuments alone” side of the issue, but I’m not fully informed on land use in Utah. So I could be wrong.
One thing I am informed about is meeting with Mormon leaders, which Trump is scheduled to do. After all, lots of Latter-day Saints helped make him president (although I am not among them) and it would be rude to at least not touch base.
Maybe the church leaders Trump meets with will give him a personal priesthood interview (PPI in Mormon-speak).
For those unfamiliar or indifferent to LDS practices, a local church leader is supposed to occasionally sit a guy down (and Mormon PPIs are a guy thing) and see how he’s doing? Call it a head check.
As I recall, my last official PPI was years ago when the elders quorum president asked to talk to me. We met in a spare classroom.
EQP • “How’re you doing, Brother Kirby?”
Me • “Fine. Got my stitches out.”
EQP • “And how is Brother Mooker?”
Me • “Still in jail, far as I know. Me and the rest of the night watch kicked his a--. The broken nose he gave Sister Mooker is mending well.”
EQP • “Well, um, are you following the counsel of the brethren in other areas?”
Me • “I guess. Why? Is there something new?”
That’s basically how a PPI works. Although not technically a Mormon, Trump undergoing a PPI with an LDS general authority would be interesting. Since we wouldn’t be privy to it, here’s how I imagine it would go:
G.A. • “How are things with the family, Brother President?”
Prez • “We’re doing OK. Wish I’d had more kids. Got some Cabinet positions that need filling.”
G.A. • “And have you improved your relationship with Brother Kim Jong Un?”
Prez • “No. In fact, I’m going to nuke him if he doesn’t shut up.”
G.A. • “Now, about that. Are you sure…?”
Prez • “Of course I’m sure. Besides, you can baptize him after I kill him. Isn’t that what you people do?”
G.A. • “But millions of innocent people will die with him. That’s a bit drastic, don’t you think?”
Prez • “OK, maybe I’ll just have the CIA shave the brat’s head and let him die of shame.”
G.A. • “Speaking of haircuts, is there any way you could cut yours to missionary standards? It would mean so much to the young men of the church.”
Prez • “A better question is why isn’t my haircut the new missionary standard? It’s magnificent. People tell me that all the time.”
Next would come small talk about the economy, turning Arlington National Cemetery into an amusement park and whether Trump is ever going to get around to building that wall along the border of Mexico?
Prez • “The wall will get built. I’m trying to work it into a church welfare project. By using tithing monies, it technically won’t cost the American taxpayer anything.”
G.A. • “That’s all well and good. Now I need to ask you this: How’s your problem grabbing women by…”
Prez • “Whoa, stop right there. I’ve mostly repented of that. Still got some work to do. It’s hard being this powerful and not doing whatever you feel like at the moment.”
G.A. • “I think we’re finished here. There’s just one more thing. We’ve sealed you to Hillary Clinton for time and all eternity.”