We are requesting that the EPA Administrator be strategically seated in business and or first class seating when on official travel. We have observed and increased awareness and at times lashing out from passengers which occurs while the Administrator is seated in coach with PSD not easily accessible to him due to uncontrolled full flights. Therefore, we believe that the continued use of coach seats for the Administrator would endanger his life and therefore respectfully ask that he be placed in either business or first class accommodations.

-- 87-word memo justifying EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt’s first-class travel

We are requesting that Alexandra be strategically seated in business and or first class seating when on official travel. This is a matter of life and death.

Alexandra feels unsafe on planes, especially when the plane bounces and there is a rapid series of dings BUT NO VOICE COMES ON AFTERWARDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE DINGS WERE, and if she were in first class she could have a drink, which would soothe her nerves and allow her to prepare to meet her maker with perfect equanimity.

The tray tables in first class seem bigger, and in the event of threats from fellow passengers she could use one as a shield.

In first class they give you a free glass of wine, and a real glass could be used as a weapon much more easily if her life were threatened, and if it were not threatened the wine would be beneficial to her long-term health as long as she drank no more than one glass of it per day (Never mind that new study. Studies are made by scientists, who are not to be trusted), which is to say, again, this is a matter of life and death.

In economy class sometimes your seatmate is very gregarious, and to escape this in the past Alexandra has pretended to be asleep, but if you are pretending TOO EFFECTIVELY to be asleep they fail to offer you any snacks, and if this trend continued for enough flights she would lack nutrition to survive, and this would endanger her life.

On multiple occasions during economy travel, Alexandra has observed that someone has disposed of gum into the vomit bag and then put the vomit bag back into the seat pocket, and she has only discovered this after touching the gum in the bag, which could have transmitted a disease to her and, once more, endangered her life. This would not happen in first class.

In first class they give you a gourmet meal designed by an actual chef, which is probably better for your long-term health than having to wrestle with a package of exactly eight pretzels, which theoretically could cut your finger and cause you to bleed to death.

In economy class they give you a sad brown wafer that tastes like a sandy piece of cardboard that is so committed to the mission of refusing to admit it is not a cookie that you do not notice until the last possible moment when the whole thing has effervesced in your mouth, and this seems like something that is probably life-threatening.

To use her laptop in economy class, Alexandra has to hold her elbows in a position that constantly threatens to ram them into the armrest or nudge against her fellow passengers, and if she made one wrong move things might escalate, and so she needs to be in first class for her own protection, not to mention so that they do not have to see everything she is typing.

Having your knees jammed into the tray table is probably, in the long run, deadly?

In economy class they give you a beverage, but the beverage is in an open container and the plane is liable to bounce, so really they are giving you a cup full of liquid to be responsible for over the next several hours, and this means you only have one hand free for any other tasks, which leaves you vulnerable.

The thought of being in economy class among people so savvy and eagle-eyed as to be able to recognize SCOTT PRUITT fills Alexandra with terror. She does not think she is using hyperbole when she says this is like being among trained assassins, and she fears for her life at the thought of these well-informed menaces who no doubt only think they are trying to protect the planet when they make their threatening presence felt, and when they learn that for years she used disposable plastic straws without thinking twice they will come for her as well. If they are capable of recognizing Scott Pruitt, what are they not capable of?

Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.