Dear Ann Cannon: Should we let our dog on our furniture? I have a very large 10-month-old labradoodle puppy. We do love our couch snuggles, but when guests come over we feel like doggy school dropouts. Any management tips so we can have our cake and eat it, too?
— Dog Lover
Dear Dog Lover: I love it when readers still send me dog questions, in spite of the fact that our Newfie and I failed the Canine Good Citizen test last fall. Dog questions from readers make Tinker Bell and me feel way better about ourselves. So, thanks for that!
OK. Whether or not you let your dog lounge around on your furniture is entirely up to you. I will say this, however: If you let your dog sit on your couch sometimes, he’ll have a hard time understanding why he can’t sit on it all the time. The fact that you don’t want him on the couch when guests are present won’t make any sense to him. So if you decide IT’S NO FURNITURE FOR YOU, MISTER, you have to be consistent. Also firm. Tell him that no means no.
Which means your dog will only sit on the couch when you’re not looking.
Dear Ann Cannon: I’m a divorced father to a 5-year-old girl. Just under two years ago, I met a woman online with two kids, aged 4 and 1, and we hit it off. She eventually moved in with me and we have worked hard to build an identity as a family. Her children see me as “Daddy” and they are lovely, wonderful kids.
The problem is that this woman I’ve committed to has serious depression and anxiety issues and, I have learned, has a very different worldview than I do. I’m positive and see the world as a place of possibility. She doesn’t. She is emotionally unavailable to the children — spending copious amounts of time on her phone “Facebooking,” shopping online, and demanding every ounce of my time even when I’m at work.
The deeper I get into the relationship, the more negative I find myself becoming. When this woman doesn’t get her way, she results to manipulation, stonewalling and anger. It feels like everyone at home is walking on eggshells every day to “keep mom happy.” At this point, all the kids seem to prefer my company to hers. I’m emotionally exhausted and have pushed for therapy and other steps for improvement that she has resisted.
I want to end things because I think my daughter and I will be happier without this woman in our lives. But the problem is that she has nothing. She is a stay-at-home mom and a welfare recipient. I’ve helped provide for her needs each month, so leaving her when I am the only source of income and stability will leave her and her children destitute. Still, my plan is to put a few months’ rent together and encourage her to find a place of her own. I’ve also leased an SUV under my name for her.
Am I wrong for coming to the conclusion that it’s time to move on? Am I an enabler of her own issues that she should face? I also worry about what will happen to her children without me there to compensate for her behavior. Am I being selfish or am I thinking reasonably?
— Desperate Dad
Dear Dad: You’re residing in hard territory. I’m truly sorry for your pain.
There’s a lot we could unpack here, but since (I think) you’ve already made the decision to move on, I’ll stick to answering your question. Do I think you’re being selfish? No, not really. It’s hard to initiate improvements in a relationship when one of the partners has no desire to change. Why do people resist change, even if it’s for the better? You know: Fear. Most of us would rather deal with the devil we know.
No judgment here, but it does occur to me your experience could be read as a cautionary tale about the danger of becoming too intimate too quickly when there are young children involved. Asking kids to attach, only to detach because a relationship was rushed at the onset, isn’t in their best interest, as I’m sure you realize.
Good luck to you. Here’s hoping things work out for everyone.
