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Ask Ann Cannon: My mother-in-law seems severely depressed, but just brushes off our concern

(Francisco Kjolseth | The Salt Lake Tribune) Ann Cannon

Dear Ann Cannon • Because several of her own children have dealt with mental health issues, my mother-in-law is a passionate advocate for individuals who suffer from mental illness. Over the years I have watched her encourage people to get the help they need and support them while doing it. She’s even done volunteer work for NAMI [National Alliance on Mental Illness].

In the past few months, it has become very clear to her family that she is in the grips of a serious depression. She’s lost weight. She’s withdrawing from other people, as well as activities she’s always enjoyed. But when my husband (her son) asked her what she’s doing to take care of herself, she brushed his question aside and said she was fine.

I’m concerned about her, obviously. Also, I don’t get it. Why won’t she sign on for the help she needs? She knows better. Is there anything we can say or do for her?

— DIL

Dear DIL • C.S. Lewis famously noted that “mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say, ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say ‘My heart is broken.’”

You describe a situation that is all too familiar for so many people. The good news is that depression often responds very well to treatment, which brings us to your first question. Why won’t your mother-in-law get help?

There could be a lot of reasons. Is it possible she’s just too depressed to take action for herself? That can happen. It may also be possible that while she’s very accepting and non-judgmental about other people’s issues, she may not apply the same standards to herself. She may wrongly see depression, in herself at least, as a character flaw or as a sign of weakness. And then there’s this reality: Sometimes caretakers aren’t very good about letting other people take care of them. They find the reversal of roles uncomfortable, even upsetting.

So what can you do?

It sounds like you’ve already approached her, but think about trying again. Is there somebody in the family—or even outside of the family—to whom she’s particularly inclined to listen? Take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant (even if she doesn’t feel like eating, which she probably doesn’t) and lay out your concerns there. I think it’s useful to have hard conversations in public places like a restaurant because you’ve got a captive audience. Also, people tend to behave better in public than they do at home. Express your admiration for the way she’s supported others and tell her that now it’s time to let others support her.

Will this plan of action work? Frankly, I don’t know. As I’ve noted in this column before, parents can be as reluctant to take advice from adult children as adult children are to take advice from parents. It’s just that whole dysfunctional circle of life thing, right? But it’s definitely worth a try. Here’s wishing you the best of luck.

Dear Ann Cannon • I’m just going to be straight up about this. How can I convince our son and his family to move back here to Salt Lake City? We could help them out in all kinds of ways if they only lived closer. Besides, I miss them. A lot.

— Devoted Dad

Dear Dad • I totally hear you. Even after our five sons first left home, they still lived in Utah and we saw them regularly. But now? Most of them have taken up residence in distant climes. AND I MISS THEM SO MUCH!

Still, I’ve come to accept (sort of) that they’re grownups now, following paths that won’t necessarily lead them back to the rim of Emigration Canyon where they can stand and see the shining valley below while shouting, “This is the place!”

And, as much as I hate to admit it, that’s probably exactly as it should be.

Do you have a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.