Dear Ann Cannon • What is up with all the recent articles I’m seeing about porn? I had no idea that porn was so prevalent. One New York Times article said that boys first see porn at age 13 and girls at age 14. Wow. Really? How do I talk to my kids about porn?
— Stunned Mom
Dear Stunned • Oh, pornography.
Before I wade into this one, I want to remind readers of something I said when the Trib launched this column. In fact, I think I’ll just go ahead and quote myself! “I am not a licensed therapist or social worker. I am also not a licensed Realtor, cabdriver, surgeon, food handler, day-care provider, aesthetician, veterinarian, acupuncturist, architect, financial planner, tattoo artist or chiropractor. In short, I am not licensed to do anything in the state of Utah except drive a car.”
This is just my way of saying the only experience I bring to this subject is my own.
I came of age during the ’60s and ’70s when it was suggested by people like Hugh Hefner that sex as portrayed in the glossy pages of Playboy magazine was somehow equally liberating for men AND women. I have to say I didn’t buy it. When I’d leaf through the magazine’s pages (my friend Janet knew where her brother kept his stash), I thought Hef’s world mostly looked like a good time for guys. Also, I was pretty sure I didn’t want to be any of the girls featured in those pictures. Fast forward to the days when I was raising five sons. I still wasn’t buying it.
OK, those five sons were definitely nice enough. But I was never under the illusion that they wouldn’t look at porn, which was much more accessible to them than it was to me, i.e. they didn’t have to crawl under Janet’s brother’s bed to find it. I didn’t make a huge deal about the subject, but whenever the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (I know! Not technically porn! So don’t lecture me!) showed up in our mailbox, I’d say stuff like, “Dudes. See all this stuff going on here? Just remember, IT ISN’T REAL, OK?” And I’d say the same thing about other images if and when the opportunity presented itself.
The problem is that young people — girls and boys — might think porn images are real. Which might also lead them to ask questions. Is this what boys really want? Is this what girls really want? But what if you’re a boy or a girl who doesn’t want that? Does that make you weird? A freak? Uncool? Should you just go along with things so you won’t be viewed as uncool with the hope that everything will turn out OK?
Young girls seem more vulnerable to me on this front, frankly. There’s a lot of conversation about female empowerment going on these days, which is awesome. I truly wish there had been more of that when I was growing up. But is swinging around naked on a wrecking ball à la Miley Cyrus truly empowering? Just saying. Bottom line: Porn, which by its very nature invites the viewer to objectify another human being, dehumanizes both girls and boys. And that ain’t no good for nobody.
At today’s messy intersection of sexual liberation with the #MeToo moment, it’s a confusing time to be a kid. Which brings us (at last) to your question: How do you talk about porn with your children? Here’s how: TALK ABOUT IT. Be forthright. Be frank. And absolutely insist that what they’ve seen does not reflect reality. There are resources on the internet that can help you start this conversation in a nonshaming way, which is important, because shaming often comes back to bite the shamer and the shamed in the rear.
It would be thoroughly awesome if your kids respond with questions for you. I doubt they will. In fact, they may run screaming from the room. But still. You’ve started the discussion.
Do you have a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.
