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Elevate'R Music finalists

Published July 18, 2006 7:44 pm

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2006, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Meet the top 10 finalists of The Salt Lake Tribune and KUER's "Elevate'R Music" local song parody contest, chosen from 130 entries. The top three twisted songs, as judged by performers in the national political comedy troupe the Capitol Steps, will be announced in Thursday's Tribune and on KUER's RadioWest show at 11 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Song No. 1: "Moms in Four Houses" (apologies to Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places") Submitted by: Eric Mangum

Blame it all on my roots - I'm wearing a suit, made in 1895

When we go to shop, the grocery store stops, and whisper while they pass us by

We're quite a big clan, at the head is one man, adding to the whole family mystique

He works day and night buying diapers and wipes, making Costco a fortune each week

Chorus

I got moms in four houses where the backyard joins and the other spouses teach kids all day another one on the way

Dad's not a perv or sacrilegious

but the last thing he needs are any more spouses

I got Moms in four houses

My brother John, next in line to move on, take cousins as his new wives

with their Aunt Lorraine, who fakes being sane - his libido kicks in overdrive

worth speaking of with all this big love - it may be hard to understand (picture this)

go to the lake for a romantic date, and walk hand in hand in hand in hand in hand

I got moms in four houses where the backyard joins its a cat and a mouse of a game to play with the law on the way

Dad's not a perv or sacrilegious but the last thing he needs are any more spouses

I got Moms in four houses

I got moms in four houses where the backyard joins and

Daddy bounces between each day

a blue pill helps the way

Dad's not a perv or sacrilegious but the last thing he needs are any more spouses

I got moms in four houses

Song No. 2: "Under the Lake" (The Bear Lake Monster Song, apologies to "Under the Sea" from Disney's "The Little Mermaid") Submitted by: M. Spaff Sumsion

You say dat dere ain't no monstah

Dat lives underneath Bear Lake

You tink I'm an urban legend

But dat is a big mistake

You say dat my tales ring hollow

Jus' stunts for publici-ty

But you're not so hard to swallow

I tink you'll believe, in me

Under de lake

Under Bear Lake

Swimmers are sweetened

When dey been eatin' Raspberry shakes

"Dis is de place" for folk cuisine

Basted in SPF-15 Bearlakeosaurus

Sure love de tourists

Under Bear Lake

Like Hefner, I got de grotto

Though my plumbing's not so great

But come north to play de Lotto

You might be my next Playmate

Though bite marks could cause a bit of

Concern from de HMO

You owe me for gettin' rid of

De in-laws from Idaho

Under de lake Under Bear Lake

Dis spot's a winnah

For your stake's dinnah I'll eat de stake!

I dig de Mormons 'cause dey all

Low in caffeine and alcohol

Praise Garden City's

Travel committees

Under de lake (Under de lake) Under Bear Lake

We creatchas fake an

Accent Jamaican

For tourists' sake (Tour-is-m's sa-a-ake)

I been impossible to catch

Almost as long as Orrin Hatch

No monstah's cutah

In all of Utah

Under Bear Lake

De boats scratch my throat

De rafts make me laugh

De way dat they shrink

When dey bit in half Canoes, dey amuse

De tubes, dey fast foods

Like skis, dey bring treats to chew (Yeah!)

De chicks, dey my fix

De guys appetize

De Dad's not so bad

Won't Mom be surprised?

De kids make a scene

Dey ask, "Do he mean To eat us?"

Yes, Sea Doo!

Under de lake (Under de lake) Under Bear Lake (under de lake)

Nice weather change'll

Bring little angels

As in "food cake" (Angel food is great)

If Mrs. Bear Lake Monster rings

Tell her I'm pickin' up a few tings

"Tings" meaning you, mon

We fond of hu-mon

Under Bear Lake

You and your gramma

Beat Chuck-a-Rama

Under Bear Lake

Beach crowds are formin'

Gentile and Mormon

I should start warmin'

My new George Foreman

Please come and play here

You're my buffet here!

Under Bear Laaaaake!

Song No. 3: "That's the Mormons"(apologies to "That's Amore") Submitted by: Laura Wadley

If you think our fair state isn't really that great, bash the Mormons!

If you're playing the cad and you're mad at your dad, trash the Mormons!

Here's a feat, You sell us a street, Then turn up the heat; Soon we're in litigation!

Lou Dobbs mocks Presidente Fox When he comes for talks It's tract-out-ification.

If we don't or we do Here's the ACLU 'Cause we're Mormons.

We don't drink (or snort) Coke But we can take a joke So no fear.

If we're right or we're wrong Can't we all get along without whining? 'Scusa me, but you see Back in old SLC Blame the Mormons!

Song No. 4: "On Top of Park City" (apologies to "On Top of Old Smokey"--old-timey arrangement) Submitted by: S.D. Williams

We live in Park City (live in Park City)

We snub folks below (snub folks below)

We like to pretend we're (like to pretend)

In Colorado (Colorado)

We eat at chic restaurants (shrimp and cilantro)

We gaze at the view (table for two)

While secretly knowing (thanking the Lord that)

We're better than you (and our dog too)

If not for the airport (platinum medallion)

And Nordstroms in town (Joseph Aboud)

And rallies for Rocky (some call him a commie)

We'd never come down (Ooo that's fer rude)

We came for the nature (squirrlies and bunnies)

And wildlife and herbs (basil and beer)

And turned this quaint ski town (needed a face lift)

Into the suburbs (now where're all the deer?)

We're pushing a building (hate all that construction)

Mor-a-tor-i-um (NIMBY's unite)

No more de-vel-op-ment (fake stone and stucco)

Once my house is done (a man's got to fight)

We live in Park City (that emerald city)

We snub folks below (don't like their Joe)

We like to pretend we're (live in a dream world)

In Colorado (wish we could go)

We make lots of money (count it and count it)

We can't tell you how (watching the Dow)

It isn't illegal (quoting our lawyer)

At least not for now (market cash cow)

We never have worries (what me worry?)

We never have pain (gain without pain)

Up here ABC stores (liquor and beer stores)

Sell wine and cocaine (who can complain)

We hire other people (hire folks to hire them)

So we'll never sweat (like to forget)

They mostly speak Spanish (habla la English?)

And their backs are all wet (how'd they get so wet?)

There's one small restriction (reading the fine print)

We hope they'll forgive (while they ride the bus)

We want them to work here (can't live without them)

But just not to live. (worked out well for us)

We live in Park City (that magic city) We snub folks below (we just don't get them)

We like to pretend we're (Mitt and the Huntsmans)

In Colorado (wish we could quit them)

We had the Olympics (big corporate party)

In 2002 (cost too much for you)

And Sundance each winter (black clothes and white powder)

So who needs a zoo? (just brings bird flu)

It's life elevated (PR extortion)

Brain cells in thin air (what should I wear?)

It's life punctuated (periods and colons)

By cool clothes and great hair (makes people stare)

We live in Park City (used to be pretty)

We snub folks below (smog dwellers blow)

We like to pretend we're (when we remember)

In Colorado (but we don't like their snow)

Song No. 5 "Bummer in the City" (with apologies to the Lovin' Spoonful's "Summer in the City") Submitted by: Lois Collins and Elaine Jarvik

Hot waste rolling through the city

PFS thinks Skull Valley is pretty

Watch out if cannisters are leakin'

Change our genes into something freakin'

All around people might mutate

Turning into liberals all along the Interstate

But you say this is the place

To store all your toxic waste

Come on, Goshutes want some jobs

Oh shoot, those are spent fuel rods

Oh babe, don't you know it'd be sadder

Not to send it on to Nevada

It's a bummer, for our city It's a bummer, for our city

Hothead, racing through Draper

Computer geek on another caper

Neighbors chase him, till there's a showdown

Super Dell's got a gun, here's the lowdown

Now he's breezing over the road line

Paraglider slide by, gonna be a headline

But Schanze says it's a 'crock of crud'

He's no villain, he's a stud

Come on, come on, you

Angels of Satan

Media idiots, full of hatin'

Fast in your 'burb and over the freeway

Totally awesome, give him some leeway

Drives his Hummer in the city

Drives his Hummer in the city

Hot air puffin in the city

Filing message bills, having no pity

Ban clubs, say no to

Darwin Phone-tree calls from the Eagle Forum

So what if kids are jammed into their classes,

And Medicaid folks got no teeth or glasses

Up here it's a different earth

We're all Republicans by birth

Come on, come on and smile all night

Cuz everything's gonna be all right

And, bro, don't you know we're a blue state,

Got no gays, everybody is straight

We're not glum, in our city

We're not glum, in our city

Song No. 6: "Big Yellow Taxes" apologies to Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" (Amy Grant Paradise Mix) Submitted by: Carina Dillon

They pilfered the poor and put up a parking lot

With a big garage, a valet, with their spouses' own spot

Don't they always seem to vote For themselves and not the people they serve

They pilfered the poor and put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop

They met lobbyists and set up a "speed-dating" system

And then they charged all reporters twenty-two bucks just to see 'em

Don't they always seem to vote For themselves and not the people they serve

They pilfered the poor and put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop

Hey legislator, put away your Blackberry now

Take the bus to the session but fill all of my cavities, please

Don't they always seem to vote

For themselves and not the people they serve

They pilfered the poor and put up a parking lot

I say, they pilfered the poor and put up a parking lot

Don't they always seem to vote

For themselves and not the people they serve

They pilfered the poor and put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Late last night I dreamed a large bequeath

And a big-hearted donor pulled out all my bad teeth

Don't they always seem to vote

For themselves and not the people they serve

They pilfered the poor and they put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Don't they always seem to vote

For themselves and not the people they serve

Turned down fed'ral funds and put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Oh, now, they mauled Medicaid to put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Hey, steam-rolled ev'ryone and put up a parking lot

Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Song No. 7 "Temple Square Plaza" (apologies to Barry Manilow's "Copacabana") Submitted by: Carina Dillon

Her name was VerLa

She was a new bride

With lots of hairspray in her hair,

Modest neckline up to there

His name was Lonnie

He was a preacher

Who treated Mormons just like dirt

Thinking that they would convert

Across the temple grounds

She saw him out-of-bounds

He was heckling, so she took him on

Going twenty rounds

At the Plaza, Temple Square Plaza

The hottest strip west of the Gaza

At the Plaza, the Main Street Plaza

"Gospel in Action" from every faction

At the Plaza....they duked it out.

(Plaza Temple Square Plaza....)

His name was Rocky

He was a mayor

With Bishop Burton (LDS),

Tried to straighten out the mess.

And when they finished Church got the sidewalk,

Where foul behavior could be banned;

Rocky got a spot of land

And then the letters flew Salt Lake was split in two

There was blame and a cry of outrage

But just who scammed who?

At the Plaza, Temple Square Plaza

The hottest strip west of the Gaza

At the Plaza, the Main Street Plaza

Cunning collusion to solve the confusion

At the Plaza....they worked it out?

(Plaza... Temple Square Plaza... cunning collusion... solve the confusion...)

Her name was Dani

She was a lawyer

She drew the "Eyer" of some of you

'Cause she ran A.C.L.U.

She filed a lawsuit

Against the city

Said, "You can't sell our right-of-way-- People cross it ev'ryday."

Tenth Circuit C.O.A.

Said, "Nope, it's a-okay.

The deal was fair and the

Church can tell you

What you cannot say

At the Plaza, Temple Square Plaza

The hottest strip west of the Gaza

At the Plaza, the Main Street Plaza

If you're a smoker or want to play poker

At the Plaza...you'd best keep out!"

Song Parody No. 8: "Super Dell" (apologies to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious") Submitted by: Earl Wunderli

Super Dell and scams that smell and underfunded schools

And unremitting Bush support all make us look like fools.

Like the archaic liquor laws, we live by our own rules.

Super Dell and scams that smell and underfunded schools.

Once a man was hiking up a steep and dangerous grade.

He was alone, he slipped and fell, he couldn't call for aid.

It took three days to rescue him from his unhappy climb,

And though we hear it on the news it happens all the time.

Super Dell but truth to tell we all live happy lives.

Most of us have many kids and some have many wives.

We have king bees but not queen bees in our busy beehives.

Super Dell but truth to tell we all live happy lives.

A driver in a Chevy truck was cruising all alone.

He wasn't buckled up and he was on his telephone.

He tailed a speeding sports car through a light just turning red.

"Damn these Utah drivers," were the final words he said.

Super Dell, we love to dwell in our pretty, great state.

We're even getting tourists to come here and elevate.

We have LaVerkin, happy valley, and Kanab for bait.

Super Dell, we love to dwell in our pretty, great state.

Song No. 9 "We Didn't Start The Choir" (apologies to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire") Submitted by: Gerald McDonough

Brigham Young, Parley Pratt, Robert Redford, Mr. Mac

Butch and Sundance, Temple Square, Abbey's Desert Solitaire

Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,

Donny Osmond and Marie, Paul James and Bob Welti

Carl Rove, Snelgrove, Big Bill and Lonesome Dove,

Spiral Jetty, Rosanne Barr, bigamy and Big Love,

Frank Layden, Jerry Sloan, John Stockton to Malone

Joe Hill, Gary Sheets, Miller screams: "They're all my seats!"

(CHORUS)

We didn't start the choir

It was always singing

From the mountains ringing!

We didn't start the choir,

No we didn't fight it,

It's so fun to hype it!

Melvin Dumar, Howard Hughes, Mormon Will and Salt Flat News

The Dead Goat and Zion's Bank, O-rings on the Shuttle tank.

Nu Skin, Barney Clark and the artificial heart,

Dell Schanze, he's our man! Hot Postum, Valley Tan.

Pons and Fleischmann left the proof on the physics' building roof.

"Made in Utah" built on dreams, con men and Ponzi schemes.

Day's of 47 floats, marriages to old goats

Cold fusion, holy war Would you like to hear more?

We didn't start the choir

It was always singing

From the mountains ringing!

We didn't start the choir,

No we didn't fight it,

It's so fun to hype it!

Scenic Land of Mother Nature,

Mother of all Legislatures

Gayle Ruzicka, Eagle Forum, John Birchers and the quorum.

Allred and Kingston Clan, Liquor laws straight from Iran

Lagoon rides, bromides, child brides and suicides.

Meth labs, car hops, congressmen with decoy cops,

Darwin down! up with runes! More bafoons than looney Tunes!

Pink Floyd, nude beach, deer camp, swap meets,

Lake stink, Enola Gay, What more do I have to say?

We didn't start the choir

It was always singing

From the mountains ringing!

We didn't start the choir,

No we didn't fight it,

It's so fun to hype it!

Buddhists Monks pray for peace - bomber shot by police

Mrs. Schreuder had her son off her father with his gun

Mark Hacking, John D. Lee, Ron and Dan Lafferty

Captain Nemo, Lance and Kelback, Gary Gilmore, Ted Bundy

Mark Hoffman bombed the town before his forgeries were found

"Natural Families" do their part. Mitchell, Barzie, Lizzie Smart,

Warren Jeffs and Sweeney Todd, everyone thinks they're a god

Immanuel David seeking proof takes his family off the roof!

We didn't start the choir

It was always singing

From the mountains ringing!

We didn't start the choir,

No we didn't fight it,

It's so fun to hype it!

All this madness isn't fair!

Must be something in the air!

Fall out? or Whirling trout? Depletion of the ozone layer?

Mad cows? deer or elk? Strodium 90 in the milk?

Poison Carp in Utah Lake? tailings ? or the yellow cake?

Long inversions? too much prayer? mercury? or teen despair?

Touched by an Angel, or the sun, something here has come undone!

But now we have to call a halt! Don't take this with a grain salt:

Stranger in a stranger land, better run while you still can!

We didn't start the choir

They were always singing

From the mountains ringing,

We didn't Start the choir

But when we are gone

Will they sing on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Song No 10: "A Few of the Testimonies" (apologies to "My Favorite Things") Submitted by: M. Spaff Sumsion

Brother Johansen says God fixed his prostate

Sister Hill wails that her son's gone apostate

Missy Brown details her trip to Belize These are a few of the testimo-nies

Brother Stone calls his ex-wife to repentance

Sister Dean can't form a blubber-free sentence

Ammon Smith's grateful the Jazz beat the Kings

These are a few of the Fast Meeting things

There's unchaste movies at Wal-Mart in Layton

Hillary Clinton's a minion of Satan

God loves you just a bit less if you're gay

These are some nuggets I've picked up today

When this low-key

Karaoke

Shows how odd we are

I simply remember I'm not Warren Jeffs

And then I don't feel - bi - zarre

Madison cries that her mom flushed her turtle

Then she announces her daddy's infertile

Tyler loves Jesus and recess and peas

These are a few of the testimo-nies

Elder Jones gripes that less-actives frustrate 'im

Nine CTRs thank the same things verbatim

Brother McPhie knows Rush Limbaugh is true

And The Da Vinci Code may well be too

Sister Cabell says the U-nited Nations

Must be the beast from the book Revelations

Folks squirm through dubious doctrine and then

Everyone drowsily mumbles "Amen"

When euphor-ya

Starts to bore ya

Here's the thing that's sweet:

Each talk brings us nearer Hymn 152 AND THEN WE GO HOME - TO - EAT!