Who says you can't be single and happy in SLC?

Vickie Venne goes out most nights of any given week. She travels to Africa. She invited 50 friends to her 50th birthday party. She has lively conversations with fascinating people. She loves the outdoors and barely spends enough time at home to keep her houseplants alive.
   In other words, she doesn't exactly fit the spinster stereotype.
   Utah deserves its reputation as being marriage-oriented.
   Nationwide and in the state, people are waiting longer to get married, yet Utahns still marry much younger than the national average. Census figures show the median age of first marriage is 27 for men and 25 for women nationwide; in Utah it is 24 for men and 22 for women.
   But some singles, drawn to Utah by work or quality of life, say they do just fine defying the norm.
    Venne moved to Salt Lake City 13 years ago for her work as a genetics counselor at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. She was involved in a long-term relationship at the time, but it ended when he didn't move with her.
   She says she gave herself a few years to grieve over the end of that union, then found herself so happy with her life that she never started looking again.
   Utah, she believes, is as good a place as any for the single life. "Anywhere you are, having a single lifestyle is what you make of it," she said.
   Utah singles are a diverse bunch.
   Like many 27-year-olds, Web site designer Vladimir Shnayderman goes to parties, clubs and concerts. Unlike most of his peers, he's not looking to meet women.
   "It's actually quite amusing that you have to get married here by 22," he said. He and his friends have little trouble ignoring those pressures.
   Having lived in Utah nine years since he first joined relatives in the state, he's not optimistic about meeting his type of woman here. "I'm a Russian Jew with an agnostic flavor, so Utah has a limited number of people I'd like," he said.
   That doesn't bother him. He enjoys camping, hiking, movies and tending his many hobbies. "I don't really have bored time. I'm preoccupied most of the days."
   On a typical recent Saturday night, he went with friends to a party, then to a new lounge in town, where he met some people and then went with them to another party - and then to another lounge, ending the night at about 3 a.m.
   "I can definitely see that Salt Lake has come a long way from when I was first here. It was pretty dull and boring," he said.
   Venne's life is so packed with activity she doesn't even have time for a pet. She goes with friends to theater, ballet, parties or dinners. "I do lots of things with girlfriends with husbands who don't happen to like the ballet," she said. "I go to dance performances with some of those wives, and the husbands stay home and do whatever they want to do, and it all works out fine."
   She's also busy with volunteering and spends a lot of time working with the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. She has signed up with Conversation Cafe, a Web site and movement that gets people together for intelligent discussion. "It's not like I can come home at night and have a nice long conversation with someone about the issues of the day," she said. Then again, "People who are married don't go home and have a glass of wine and have a serious conversation."
   Acceptance - and even celebration - of a single lifestyle is part of a national trend, embodied in the book Quirkyalone, published last year.
    San Francisco writer Sasha Cagen didn't realize her book would become a manifesto for thousands of satisfied singles nationwide. When she wrote the original essay that became the basis for the book, "I really thought I was just describing myself, a few friends and trends I had observed in TV, magazines and advertising," she said.
   Nationwide, though, there are now more households headed by single people than traditional households headed by married couples, according to the U.S. census - 25.8 percent, compared with 23.5 percent respectively. The percentage of households made up by single people is lower in Utah - 17.8 percent - but "quirkyalone" still applies.
   "Now that women are in the work force, we are just not going back to a time when women and men married because they had no choice. Relationships are entered into more out of desire rather than as a necessity," Cagen said.
    Cagen defined "quirkyalone" as "a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple."
   "I have been single most of my life, and I felt it was important to start examining that experience and look at what made my life whole and radiant, rather than seeing my life as a constant lack. After all, we are all born single - Jesus was single," Cagen said. "Anyone can be quirkyalone - woman or man, gay or straight, elderly or teenager. But there's usually a process of reckoning and coming to terms with your quirkyalone status. You don't just wake up one day and decide to be one."
   The book hit a nerve for the growing number of people who don't want to feel pressured into looking for a relationship. It's not that they had horrible experiences growing up (Cagen says most of them have happily married parents - Venne calls her parents "phenomenal together"), or dating, or that they are anti-social.
   Now, the Quirkyalone online community (at http://www.
   quirkyalone.net) is full of bulletin boards, advice and information on how to meet others who feel the same way. They celebrate Quirkyalone Day on Feb. 14 and get together with other quirkyalones at Quirkyalone Camp.
   "When you aren't constantly in a relationship, you have more time to build long-term, supportive, fun friendships," Cagen said.
   The way these happily single folks see it, alone doesn't mean lonely - and in fact, it has its definite advantages. The biggest one: freedom. Venne recalls having friends stop by one night just as she was settling down to a dinner - of popcorn. She has been known to hop on a plane and fly to another city just to catch a concert. Shnayderman knows he'll never have to ask his significant other for approval or permission.
   There are drawbacks. Venne admits she sometimes misses physical companionship. There also are legal and cultural prejudices: She pays taxes to educate other people's children, usually has no use for 2-for-1 coupons and doesn't often go to romantic restaurants.
   Shnayderman says he sometimes would like to have someone to lean on - "You don't have that full emotional support, so you rely on yourself," he says, and he occasionally gets lonely.
   But when it comes to a serious relationship, "I don't want one, from what I've heard and what I've felt."
   Venne wouldn't mind stumbling on a relationship, but he would have to be a pretty special guy to make her change her lifestyle. Ironically, she says, that might make people like her better companions. "If you can't create your own world, if you can't be happy with who you are, then you're going to have a hard time in a relationship," she said.
   ckarras@sltrib.com