Words for coaches

Here are my offerings. They work for any sport, but I mostly had college football in mind:

* You must give credit to your opponent after losing a close game while only implying that it was the fault of the referees for blowing every call and no doubt having money on the game.

* If you blow out a hated opponent, you must not gloat, but you can make condescending remarks like "Coach Snodcrass has done a fine job with this program! The game just got out of hand for them when they fumbled nine times in the first three minutes."

* When you resign under pressure, remember to say you are doing it to spend more time with your family, not because the alumni are marching towards your house with torches and a load of tar and feathers.

* If you leave your present job for a more lucrative offer, taking the coaching staff and next year's recruits with you, remember to say you are doing it for you family, not because you're greedy and want to stick it to the ungrateful alumni who have torches and a load of tar and feathers in a storage locker just off campus.

BRUCE WORTHEN

Salt Lake City

Soccer rules to live by

This being a soccer state now with RSL, I was slightly disappointed that there was no mention of soccer rules in the article. Here are a few:

* When a player on an opposing team is down due to injury, the ball should be played out of bounds to allow for a stoppage. The opposing team should then inbound the ball and give it back to the team that played it out when the injured player has left the pitch.

* A player should have a subdued celebration, if any, after scoring against a team for which they have previously been a part of.

* A Goalkeeper should always praise his defenders in the event of a clean sheet.

KEVIN CLAYBURN

Logan

Utah Jazz

Chance at redemption

Kevin O'Connor, PLEASE match the Wizards' qualifying offer to Dee Brown and bring him back. I would get rid of Jason Hart (bet you can get Washington to take him). Besides making Deron Williams happy, I think Brown is a better player than Hart. I think Brown's performance in the Rocky Mountain Revue last year was good enough to deserve being on the team. Remember Mo Williams.

SCOT MORGAN

Salt Lake City

"WHEN I'M GONE, [my brain is] gone. All I know is somehow I ended up in my socks. I don't even know how I got into my socks. I was looking for my shoes and I had no idea where they were.''

- Wichita Wingnuts manager Kash Beauchamp, on an umpire tirade that included removing and tossing his shoes

Out of left field

QB battle has coach saying, 'Son of a . . . '

The sons of Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzky will be among the quarterback candidates this season at Oaks Christian High School in Westlake Village, Calif.

As for more, football coach Bill Redell joked to the Ventura County Star: ''Well, Michael Jordan said his son's coming, and Babe Ruth's great-great-grandson is supposed to enroll.''

I've got the lead, and I ain't giving it up

Part-time NASCAR driver and part-time broadcaster Kyle Petty, winless since 1995, was in no hurry to return to the booth after driving the pace car in July 5's Coke Zero 400 race at Daytona.

''I may not come up there,'' he told TNT's Bill Weber and Wally Dallenbach. ''This is the first time I've led anything in about 20 years.''

Soccer referee

takes some shots

A referee for a Belarus League soccer game drew attention this week when he began behaving erratically, eventually stopped running with the action and officiated the latter stages of the game from the center circle.

Sergei Shmolik appeared to be suffering from a back injury as he staggered off the field with the aid of a trainer after the game ended. He was taken to a hospital for tests, which revealed the problem: He had high levels of alcohol in his system.

''I haven't seen a drunk referee before,'' Belarus national coach Berndt Stange told the Telegraph. ''It's just beyond my comprehension.''

Not every American's idol

Atlanta Braves star Chipper Jones is from the Daytona, Fla., area so he's used to getting recognized when he's in town, but he told ESPN the Magazine that he was thrown for a loop at the Daytona 500 last year.

''Kelly Clarkson, who had sung before the race, came into the room,'' Jones said. ''She walked my way, looking at me like she knew who I was, so I started to put out my hand. Then she pulls out a camera and asks me to take a photo of her and her friends. . . . I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to go get a beer. Boy, was I put out.''

- Combined news services

'Stached away

The New York Yankees were pulling out all the stops to help Jason Giambi earn a spot on the AL All-Star team via fan voting, enlisting the American Mustache Institute to lobby for Giambi votes.

''It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that Jason Giambi's hitting prowess, plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star,'' Aaron Perlut, executive director of the American Mustache Institute, said in a press release issued by the team.

''Giambi's significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur - indicating great intellect and good looks - make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.''

Sadly for facial-hair aficionados, Giambi lost out to Tampa Bay's Evan Longoria

Online poll

If you're the Packers, what would you do about Brett Favre's desire to make a comeback?

A) Bring him back and let him play. A great story, not to mention he's likely better than Aaron Rodgers.

B) Bring him back, but make him sit. Then maybe he'll realize you're sick of this flip-flopping crap.

C) Trade him. Get something back for him while exiling him to some team you know won't beat you - like Detroit.

D) Release him and let him sign elsewhere. After all, when he throws 28 interceptions for whoever he joins, you can laugh and say "We told you so, old man!"

Vote at www.sltrib.com/sports

Everyone knows about those championship T-shirts featuring the losing teams that wind up clothing the people of third-world nations. But Warner Brothers and CBSSportsStore.com took it a step further with the Lakers championship DVD shown at left. The item was ultimately removed from the Web site, but not before Page 2 got hold of the following item description. For Lakers fans - sorry to rub salt in your wounds. For everyone else - be sure to show this to your Laker-following friends.

Warner Brothers Los Angeles Lakers 2007-2008 NBA Champions DVD

*Item no: 3143302

*OUR PRICE: $24.99

* Get an inside look at the Los Angeles Lakers 2007-2008 NBA Champions regular season, triumphant playoff run and NBA Finals victory with this DVD from Warner Brothers¨! It provides an all-access pass to exclusive interviews, behind-the-scenes action and an unforgettable courtside view of the NBA Finals.