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Ladies and gentlemen, your Week 12 matchups for NFLonTVinSLC:
Bengals at Ravens, 11 a.m., Ch. 2
Remember when everyone said Cincinnati should fire Marvin Lewis because he couldn't make the playoffs? Then everyone said they should fire him because he could make them but couldn't win in them? And now we're back to firing him 'cuz he can't make them again?
Right? No way 3-6-1 Cincy makes it, right? I mean, they're missing A.J. Green and Giovani Bernard. Mike Nugent suddenly can't make kicks. They always forget they're supposed to keep playing through that pesky little fourth quarter.
Considering Lewis is 0-7 in the playoffs and will see a five-year streak of making them end, he finally has to go, right? I mean, the only way he'd be back is if the Bengals were too cheap to eat the one year he has left on his contr—
Oh. Well, um, better luck next year, Marv. See you then.
Seahawks at Buccaneers, 2 p.m., Ch. 13
There seems to be a growing notion that two-wins-in-a-row Tampa could be trouble for Seattle.
After all, Jameis Winston's 331 vs. K.C. last week gave him his first back-to-back 300-yard games, Mike Evans is second in NFL with eight TD receptions, and the 'Hawks will be missing pass rusher Michael Bennett and could be without star safety Earl Thomas and starting corner DeShawn Shead.
All true, but I'm still not buying. As hot as Jameis is, Russell Wilson is better, having thrown for 902 yards, six TDs and zero picks in Seattle's three-game win streak. And as depleted as the Seahawks' defense may be, it's still better than the Bucs', which is ranked 25th vs. the rush, 25th vs. the pass, and 26th overall.
Panthers at Raiders, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 2
If I'd have told you before the season that, after 10 games apiece, one of these teams would be 8-2 and the other 4-6, you totally would've called it correctly, right? You foresaw both last year's Super Bowlers falling apart and the imminent end to Oakland's 13-year playoff drought? This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful you're all such lousy liars.
Look, this can still be a good, competitive game. Since starting 1-5, Carolina's won three of four; the Panthers haven't played since last Thursday while the Raiders are coming off a Monday night game in Mexico City; Oakland's RBs were held to 30 rushing yards vs. the Texans, and the Panthers' defense is second vs. the ru…
Who am I kidding? Have you seen Mark Davis? Dude is THAT ugly and his team is still this good — there are some supernatural forces at play I've got zero interest in messing with. Just win, baby!
Chiefs at Broncos, 6:30 p.m., Ch. 5
To paraphrase the Associated Press preview, these teams are a lot alike in that they both have awesome secondaries, a top-level pass rusher, sucky run games, struggling O-lines, and sketchy quarterbacks. And they're different in that the Broncos have all their top players back while the Chiefs' top-level pass rusher, Dee Ford, is definitely out, and the star of their secondary, Marcus Peters, is maybe out, and their quarterback, Alex Smith, has been soooooo sketchy lately that fans wish he was out, and are openly rooting for Nick Foles to play.
Nick Foles.
Somewhere, Rams fans laughing. And crying. And laughing from crying.
That's the ultimate argument-ender right there. Trevor Siemian may be inconsistent, unglamorous, whatever — he hasn't left Denver fans, at any point, saying, "You know, if only we could bring Nick Foles in instead."
Twitter: @esotericwalden