This might be my last Sundance Film Festival as one of the unwashed rabble. Next year, I could be promoted to the status of a genuine celebrity. The downside is that I’ll have to take Sonny with me.
On the off chance you forgot or missed it — and who could blame you if you did — I wrote a column last year about salvaging road kill with Sonny.
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Picking up dead animals piqued the interest of a reality TV show production company in Los Angeles. They came to Utah a few weeks later and interviewed us on camera.
Why did we pick up road kill? What did we do with it? Was there anything else we did that was stupid? Stuff like that.
Because the video interview ended in a shoving match between Sonny and me over whether our behavior is motivated by something legitimate or simply because we aren’t smart enough to do anything else, I didn’t expect to hear back from the company.
But last week the company sent us a deal memo to sign, giving them the rights to market our souls to Hollywood.
Before signing, Sonny and I showed the deal memo to a friend who, through no fault of ours, is a lawyer. Ken read it and gave us his professional advice.
Ken: "Honestly, I didn’t think television could sink any lower."
Us: "Have you even seen ‘Jersey Shore’?"
We signed the deal memo and sent it off. Back came a signed copy. There was also a note saying how excited the company was to shop the show around to the networks.
That’s when Sonny and I started thinking. The exact nature of the show hadn’t really been spelled out. It could be about any of the things we mentioned in the interview, including blowing stuff up, outhouse repair, grave-robbing and mule fighting.
Sure, it could be about road kill. With the economy the way it is, a road kill reality series might compete well with some of the top-end cooking shows.
Forget "Iron Chef" and "Kitchen Nightmares." For true pointless culinary drama, you could watch Sonny and me teach America how to sauté a horse.
But road kill is just one possibility. Maybe they want us to teach celebrities how to dance, idiots to survive in the wilderness or spoiled brides how to become overwrought.
Personally, I like the idea I had of "Reality Realignment." This would feature us as traveling guest stars. We show up as needed and beat the regular tantrum-throwing hosts/participants with a bat.
Doesn’t matter. It’s out of our hands now. We sold our souls. We’ll have to take what Hollywood serves up. It can’t be anything worse than stuff we’ve already done for free.
Just to be sure, Sonny and I came up with a quick list of contract riders, things we will insist on before negotiations proceed any farther.
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