This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
First Down
Packers at Dolphins, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • Alright, let's put 30 seconds up on the clock … OK, now, name as many current Miami Dolphins as you can. Aaaaaaaaand — go! [Cue the Jeopardy! music.] And that's time. Who'd you get? Probably Ryan Tannehill, maybe Mike Wallace, Lamar Miller, Knowshon Moreno, on account of playing fantasy football, perhaps Koa Misi if you're into following ex-Utes. And if you got anyone other than that, congratulations — you're either from Miami or you are actually on the team. Let's face it, the Dolphins have a bunch of people who've never been in your kitchen. The Packers, meanwhile, (including Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, Jordy Nelson, Randall Cobb, Clay Matthews, Julius Peppers, A.J. Hawk, Haha Clinton-Dix, Sam Shields, Tramon Williams, Mason Crosby, John Kuhn, James Starks, Andrew Quarless, David Bakhtiari — all of whom I thought of in about 11.3 seconds) are not only infinitely more interesting, they're also infinitely more good — at least, if outscoring their last two opponents 80-27 is any indication. (And I would argue it is.)
Second Down
Broncos at Jets, 11 a.m., Ch. 2 • Perhaps we can make some sense of this latest Jets ridiculousness with a logical, point-by-point recap? Second-year QB Geno Smith sucks enough that he finally gets benched. Veteran QB Michael Vick enters, also sucks (8 for 19, 47 yards), and the Jets lose 31-0. Vick subsequently admits he was unprepared. And coach Rex Ryan … praises him for it, saying it took "guts." Wait … what? That still makes no sense. It's OK for a veteran backup quarterback to be unprepared as long as he admits it? That logic leaves me dazed and confused. Speaking of which, maybe the Jets should take some advice from that film: "I just wanna look back and say that I did it the best I could while I was stuck in this place … had as much fun as I could when I was stuck in this place … played as hard as I could when I was stuck in this place." Wow … you've got problems when high school stoners are more motivated than you. I just wonder if Ryan will be "unprepared" for it when he gets fired at season's end.
Third Down
Cowboys at Seahawks, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 13 • So concerned was Jerry Jones at the notion that his Cowboys might be cowed by Seahawks All-Pro cornerback Richard Sherman that the reclusive Dallas owner emerged from years of isolation and seclusion to grant a rare appearance with the media just to dispute the point: "With all of the respect we have for him, we're going to have to give him some business over there, or we will hurt the balance of what we can do," Jones told KRLD-FM. "We can't run from him." Sadly, the man is too obstinate to realize that "run" was the operative word. No, Jerry, don't run from him — run against him. Yes, I know Seattle is allowing only 62 rush yards per game. I also know your team has been successful this year because DeMarco Murray is averaging 134 rush yards per game. But you want your shaky-in-big-moments QB to test a player that at least one person has called "the best corner in the game" just to prove you're not scared? Perhaps it's best if you retreat back into obscurity. Run and hide … run and hide.
Fourth Down
Giants at Eagles, 6:20 p.m., Ch. 5 • The Eagles greeted Eli Manning's impending arrival at Lincoln Financial Field with a cartoon video in which Manning is frightened by the ghostly visages of Philly defenders. (Sigh … facepalm … sigh.) What's that expression about how people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? Oh yeah … "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." That's the one. Anyway, perhaps when your defense is 25th in the league in points allowed, 28th in total yards allowed and 29th in pass yards allowed, and is going against a guy who is 6-3 on your home field, maybe — just maaaaaaaybe — you shouldn't go around publicly suggesting that he is scared of you. Then again, I guess you making a video of him celebrating like it's Christmas, his birthday and the day he won the lottery all rolled into one would've been a little weird.
Twitter: @esotericwalden