This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Author's note • If you want an NFL preview with stats, analysis and facts … there are about 3 gazillion places for that. If you'd like an oddball perspective (mixed with pop culture references) on this weekend's four broadcast TV games in the SLC market, this is just the thing for you.
First Down
Packers at Bears, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • "Five letters here just for everybody out there in Packerland: R-E-L-A-X. Relax. We're going to be OK." That's what Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers told listeners during his radio show on the ESPN affiliate in Milwaukee. Sure — relax. No biggie, right? What's there not to relax about? Aside, from, you know, being 1-2. And playing like total garbage against the Seahawks (understandable, at least). And the Lions (not so much). And having to rally just to beat the fortuitously self-destructive Jets. And Eddie Lacy running the ball like he's Trent Richardson. And now the Packers being on the road against Da Bears. So … relax? Sure, right, no problem, A-aron. You wanna play? Well, you tell Packers fans to "relax"one more time and they're liable to try to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.
Second Down
Jaguars at Chargers, 2 p.m., Ch. 2 • That Eric Weddle sure is a beardy fellow. He's also an incredibly talented safety and, apparently, incredibly self-aware, as well. After smacking the crap out of Bills receiver Marquise Goodwin last week, Weddle subsequently described the annihilation thusly: "To … jolt the shoulder, get a nice little sting down to the fingers — you know that means you got a really good shot on a guy." I'll take his word for it. I'll also take pity on any Jaguars player unfortunate enough to cross his path on Sunday. This one is not going to turn out well. A Chargers team coming off wins over previously unbeaten Seattle and Buffalo and determined not to overlook anyone going up against a winless Jax team that sees a 41-17 loss to Indy as progress? Godspeed, Jaguars — and keep your heads on a swivel.
Third Down
Eagles at 49ers, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 13 • There are now solid rumblings out of San Francisco (or Santa Clara, or wherever the hell they're located now) that have nothing to do with earthquakes. Rather, it is an increasingly common concern amongst 49ers loyalists that Colin Kaepernick — once thought to be the new-age prototype quarterback, the bees' knees, the greatest thing since sliced bread — ain't all that and a bag of potato chips, as Dr. Evil might say. Fortunately, The Great Bicep-Kisser will have just the opportunity he needs to distract his detractors from his deficiencies. Namely, an Eagles defense that ranks 26th in the league in points allowed, 26th in total yards allowed, and 30th in passing yards allowed. Against a defense like that, Kaepernick will surely look like 1 billion fafillion gajillion shab-a-doo-dillion … yen.
Fourth Down
Saints at Cowboys, 6:20 p.m., Ch. 5 • So, let's review Morris Claiborne's time with Dallas, shall we? 1. Cowboys trade a boatload of picks to move up in the draft and pick Claiborne sixth overall; 2. Claiborne proves to be a substandard NFL starter; 3. Claiborne repeatedly gets torched Sunday by a nondescript Rams passing attack; 4. Jerry Jones, the man who drafted Claiborne, assesses him by saying, "Is he what we had hoped for at this point? … No."; 5. Claiborne is benched in favor of not-exactly-impressive Orlando Scandrick; 6. Claiborne throws a hissy fit and leaves practice. Because that's the way to prove your point. Actually, speaking of proving points, here's how No. 7 should play out: Jones orders coach Jason Garrett to start Claiborne after all, whereupon Drew Brees & Co. target him 37 times, completing 34 passes for 568 yards and seven touchdowns. Hey, Morris, take Axl Rose's advice, and don't you cry tonight.
Twitter: @esotericwalden