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Author's note • If you want an NFL preview with stats, analysis and facts … there are about 3 gazillion places for that. If you'd like an oddball perspective (mixed with pop culture references) on this weekend's four broadcast TV games in the SLC market, this is just the thing for you.
First Down
Patriots at Vikings, 11 a.m., Ch. 2 • "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart was a bit incredulous at commissioner Roger Goodell claiming he hadn't viewed the infamous video of Ray Rice punching out his fiancée, noting, "I think we're all pretty aware of the NFL's obsessive-compulsive tape-watching addictions. For God sakes, you get 24 angles in high-res slow-motion just to see whether or not a man's knee goes over an imaginary line before his hand crosses a different imaginary line." Speaking of obsessive-compulsive tape-watching addictions, how's it going Bill Belichick? And speaking of running backs accused of abuse, what's up Adrian Peterson? … Good hell, it's getting hard to stay an NFL fan.
Second Down
Cowboys at Titans, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • The only thing to bomb worse than Dallas in its season debut last week was that new FOX "reality" show "Utopia." Then again, the premise of reality TV personas creating a perfect society is only slightly more ridiculous than the idea of a team with Jerry Jones as its GM and Tony Romo as its QB even sniffing the Super Bowl. As for the Titans … who really knows? I guess we can praise them for making Alex Smith look rather mediocre last week, but considering he's looked rather mediocre virtually every season of his career, that is perhaps not all that impressive an accomplishment. Poor Alex ($68M contract notwithstanding).
Third Down
Chiefs at Broncos, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 2 • One would suspect Kansas City couldn't look any worse than it did last week against Tennessee, but considering it faced Jake Locker then and is facing Peyton Manning now, chances are it probably can. Then again, Mr. Manning did not exactly look dominant against the Colts, either, post-halftime. Lots of Manning Face in those latter 30 minutes. Fortunately, he'll have an extra weapon at his disposal Sunday, as Wes Welker's four-game ban for amphetamines has been erased, courtesy of the league's new drug policy. So the talented wideout will be back in action — just in time to incur the 73rd concussion of his career.
Fourth Down
Bears at 49ers, 6:20 p.m., Ch. 5 • I grew up loving the '85 Bears, so seeing this particular iteration of Chicago football feature the bulk of its talent almost exclusively on offense is a bit of a counterintuitive mindtrip. Not that they're displeasing to watch. Matt Forte is a big talent, Alshon Jeffery is a big talent, Brandon Marshall is a big talent … with multiple arrests for domestic violence. Should be an interesting matchup against the defensively-oriented Niners. Again — just bizarre. And again, plenty of talent there to speak of. Patrick Willis is a big talent, Eric Reid is a big talent, Ray McDonald is a big talent … accused of beating up his pregnant fiancée. [Sigh … facepalm … sigh again.] Can we find out which team has the fewest terrible people on it and just start rooting for them?
Twitter: @esotericwalden