This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
If you want an NFL preview with stats, analysis and facts … there are about 3 gazillion places for that. If you'd like a slightly oddball perspective on this weekend's four broadcast TV games in the SLC market — ruminating on such relevant topics as why the Patriots are like the Counting Crows, and the relative ugliness of Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck — I have just the thing for you.
First down
Saints at Falcons, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • Is it a big deal that the Falcons' two receiving stars, Julio Jones and Roddy White, are back healthy again? Sure. Is it a big deal that they bolstered their protection for QB Matt Ryan by drafting tackle Jake Matthews? I'd say so. Is it a big deal that their defense has made zero significant additions and has zero chance of slowing Drew Brees, Jimmy Graham and the rest of the Saints offense? Just might be.
Second down
Patriots at Dolphins, 11 a.m., Ch. 2 • There was a time when a Counting Crows album release brought me genuine joy and excitement. This past Tuesday, when "Somewhere Under Wonderland" came out, my reaction was a more subdued "meh." Why? Because even if they have a new song or two I don't reject out of hand, they're simply not as good as they used to be. Like the Patriots. 11-5. Second-round playoff exit. No Super Bowl. Meh. As for the Fins, it'll be a good year if their O-line draws attention for protecting the intrguing Ryan Tannehill rather than for a bullying scandal.
Third down
49ers at Cowboys, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 13 • Have the Niners taken a step back this year, as many seem to think? I don't know. You don't know, either. Nobody knows. Anybody who says they know — they don't know. As for the Cowboys … I really don't know. I used to know. I have always known they were the most vile, disgusting, detestable, loathsome, abhorrent team on the planet. Then they go and give Michael Sam — a player I want to see get a chance — a chance. What am I supposed to do with that? I don't know.
Fourth down
Colts at Broncos, 6:20 p.m., Ch. 5 • "Big-time Super Bowl loser Peyton Manning takes on his old team, the Colts, and their new star QB Andrew Luck — Part 2." It's a natural storyline with an unnaturally long title. In a similar vein, all the focus on the two QBs will make it natural to wonder at their unnaturally homely faces. Seriously — are there two more ugly QBs in the NFL? I will concede, I am no beauty queen myself. But still … "Manning face" is already a known commodity. It's a thing. It has its own website. I mean it — go ahead and Google it. But let's not underestimate the creepiness of Luck's equally unfortunate visage, made all the worse by that bizarre Amish beard. If not for our love of NFL games on TV, this might be one for the radio.
Twitter: @esotericwalden