Monson: What a joke the selection of four playoff teams is bound to be
So, let's imagine how this new four-team playoff selection committee proposed on Wednesday by that unified, sweet-faced group of conference commissioners and a few other commodores of college football might work, convening for the first time at the end of the 2014 regular season:
Committee member No. 1: Fellas, let's cut straight to the chase here. I propose that we allot all four spots in our inaugural playoff to SEC teams. After all, we â¦ uh, they â¦ have won the last eight national championships and it's clear we â¦ uh, they â¦ play the best football in the country, this side of the NFC North.
Committee member No. 2: That's because their collective payroll is higher.
No. 1: No reason to fiddle-faddle around with your cute little conference champions out West and back East. They had good seasons and all, good for who they're for, but we should do the proper thing, the easy thing, the right thing, and just go ahead and reward Alabama, LSU, Florida and Arkansas for playing big boy football.
No. 2: Big boy football? Arkansas? The Razorbacks were 6-6.
No. 1: Yeah, but it was a helluva 6-6. They were great, except for that one stretch when they flew into a ditch like Bobby Petrino's busted-up Harley, but, unlike Bobby, they recovered nicely.
Committee member No. 3: They beat McNeese State and Northern Illinois.
No. 1: Hey, when you play big boy football, you need a few easy wins to lighten things up.
Committee member No. 4: What about the so-called heavy consideration that was supposed to be given all the league champs?
No. 1: You believed that? What kind of sucker are you?
Committee member No. 5: Take the Groucho glasses off, Mr. Slive. When God Almighty had college football created and refined, he did it somewhere on the road between Columbus and Ann Arbor. I'm saying Ohio State should be in there somewhere, somehow. The Buckeyes have the best talent in the land, seeing how Urban brought his enlightened brand of SEC recruiting to the B1G. It's national championship or bust.
Committee member No. 6: What about the Ducks? Phil Knight didn't invest $500 million into our â¦ uh, that â¦ program to see them left on the sideline in the postseason. They went 11-1, losing only to USC in the Pac-12 title game.
Committee member No. 7: Are you smoking dope?
No. 6: Yeeeaah, man, pass the chips all the way up to Eugene.
Committee member No. 8: USC should be in, for sure. They beat everyone on their schedule, except for Notre Dame, and that was a fluke.
Committee member No. 9: Get down off Traveler long enough to see that Oklahoma State had a far better season than the Trojans.
No. 8: But they had identical records.
No. 9: The Big 12 is better than the Pac-12.
No. 6: How do you know that?
No. 9: T. Boone Pickens told me.
Committee member No. 10: Don't forget about the ACC. Va. Tech's undefeated.
No. 1: Are you crazy? Everybody's forgotten about the ACC. My daughter's powder-puff squad could go unbeaten in that league. The ACC is, like, 2-20 in BCS games over the past decade and a half. I say, give Arkansas another look.
No. 9: The Longhorns lost only once.
Committee member No. 11: How about Boise State? Haven't they won every game they've played since 2003?
No. 4: Who invited Bob Kustra to this meeting? Security! Have this man removed.
No. 1: It's still a market-driven thing.
Committee member No. 12: What about the Irish? They went 10-2, had a tough schedule, and draw huge interest and big money whenever they play in big games on national television.
Committee member No. 13: Speaking of independents, BYU's 12-0. Should we invite them?
The entire room: (Silence, and then laughter.)
No. 2: This is impossible. We can't fairly pick four teams.
No. 5: We're supposed to be fair?
No. 8: It works in basketball.
No. 6: That's because they invite â¦ what, 175 teams?
No. 1: I'm telling you, fellas, the answer is right here where it's always been, in the SEC. Alabama, LSU, Florida, Arkansas.
No. 2: Let's do it.
No. 4: You got any more of those Groucho glasses?
GORDON MONSON hosts "The Big Show" weekdays from 3-7 p.m. on 1280 and 960 AM The Zone. Twitter: @GordonMonson.