This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2011, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Do not vote for a Jew. They might seem like regular people, but never forget they are still Hebrews. And they killed Jesus.

Sorry, that was just a stupid attempt on my part to deflect attention away from an equally stupid allegation that I'm a member of a cult.

While endorsing Texas Gov. Rick Perry for president, a leading evangelical minister warned everyone not to vote for Mitt Romney because Mitt's a damn Mormon.

Note: The Rev. Robert (no relation) Jeffress didn't actually use the word "damn," but he has said Mormons (Jews, Muslims and Eskimos) are going to hell. So.

Another note: I made up the part about Eskimos. I have no idea who else Bob believes is suspect. Really, it could be anybody he doesn't see when he looks in a mirror.

Bob did say Mormons aren't really Christians and that we're a cult.

Wow. I've been Mormon my whole life and this was news to me. Most cults wouldn't tolerate the amount of irreverence, disregard for authority and general malaise that make up the majority of my spiritual progress.

If Mormonism really were a cult — or as most people understand a cult to be — I'd be dead by now. At the very least, I would have been slapped around a bit or banished. But nothing.

Bob could be right. It's been a long time since I read the Bible. Maybe I forgot the parts where Jesus preached "blessed are the xenophobes for they shall figure out politics."

Let's concede for the moment that Mormonism is a cult, that Jews haven't figured out the Messiah thing and Muslims are a bunch of bomb-building nut jobs. So what? Exactly how does any of that make them too immoral to be president?

Before you answer, I'd like to point out that for hundreds of years we've been electing Bob-approved Christians to the highest office in the land, and look where it got us.

Yet another note: Yeah, I know, JFK was a #@%& Catholic. If it makes you feel better, don't count him.

Addendum: The "#@%&" was mine and added solely for dramatic effect.

Where was I? Oh, right. Presidents.

If being a "real" Christian automatically makes someone a better president than, oh, say, somebody else who actually knows what he or she is doing in the White House, how did we get here?

Maybe it's time for a change. After 235-plus years of Bob-endorsed presidents, how much worse could anyone else screw it up?

Although we're both Mormon, I don't plan to vote for Mitt. I base this decision not on the fact that Mitt's a Mormon, but rather that I don't like his politics. And there's something about his haircut that bugs me.

I'll tell you who I do plan to vote for: anyone who can really do the job. Truthfully, I would vote for a blood-soaked Aztec priest right now if it would solve this country's problems.

A maypole-cavorting pagan for secretary of defense? Bring her in. If she's got the horses to do the job, I don't care if she does it wearing moss and leaves. Ditto someone wearing a turban or a yarmulke.

We need change. We need someone who actually knows what the hell he or she is doing, even if Bob thinks that's where the candidate is going.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/notpatbagley.