Rolly: My 2013 predictions for Herbert, Crapo, Bell, Buttars and more
Happy New Year. Here is my list of predictions for the next 12 months.
• Gov. Gary Herbert inadvertently severs lobbyist and top supporter Bob Henrie's tie at a ribbon cutting. Herbert's ties never seem to be the same afterward.
• Sen. Mike Crapo, R-Idaho, leaves the U.S. Senate to form the supersuccessful Mormon Closet Drinkers Association. Tens of thousands join, but no one seems to know anything about it.
• After being outed by City Weekly as the brains behind the governor, Lt. Gov. Greg Bell is hastily demoted and reassigned as head of security at the Utah State Fairpark.
• With Bell's demotion, Carl Wimmer announces he has accepted the job as Utah's lieutenant governor. The former state lawmaker finds out later, however, that he misunderstood what Herbert meant when the governor asked, "How are you doing?" while the two of them waited in line at Costco.
• Without Bell's presence, Herbert gets national media attention in calling for an end to daylight saving time, saying that "the extra hour of daylight" is bad for global warming.
• Rep. Chris Stewart announces his plan to run for general authority of the LDS Church and promptly starts referring to himself as "Christopher D. Stewart." He later drops out of the race when he discovers that Republican delegates do not select general authorities.
• Upon confirming that House Speaker Becky Lockhart, R-Provo, will not run for re-election as Utah House speaker after 2014, Micron Technology shortens lobbyist Stan Lockhart's employment contract to Dec. 31, 2014.
• Distraught that there is no major political office for him to seek in 2013 and desperately hungry for attention, habitual candidate Merrill Cook starts a petition drive for a ballot initiative to include the Second Amendment in the lyrics of the state hymn, "Utah, We Love Thee."
• After losing his bid for Salt Lake County mayor in 2012, which followed his loss in his 2008 re-election bid for the County Council, Mark Crockett runs for mayor of Holladay, continuing a quest for Merrill Cook's record as most prolific election loser in Utah.
• Attorney General John Swallow offers free ethics training to the Legislature, but clumsily schedules it for April 1.
• Seeing an opening after Mitt Romney failed to fulfill the "White Horse Prophecy," U.S. Sen. Mike Lee begins wearing a white horse costume around the U.S. Capitol.
• After the 10th time being told to stop sitting in the chairman's seat of the Senate Finance Committee, U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, is reassigned to the jampacked Committee for People Who Fail to Deliver on Campaign Promises.
• So elated with the election of Ben McAdams as Salt Lake County mayor, Utah Democrats launch a petition drive to retitle "county mayor" to "Utah prime minister," figuring it's the closest thing to a statewide office they'll ever get.
• Former Utah Senate President Michael Waddoups, R-Taylorsville, is sent home from his LDS mission presidency. His wife, Anna Kaye, was caught using the mission home to develop her line of the Amazing Shamwow Cloth.
• With Waddoups out of the Utah Senate, the LDS Church is relieved it can finally pass the liquor law reforms it needed at City Creek Center. Within weeks, the "Zion Curtain" comes down, meters are removed from all liquor bottles and heavy beer pours from bar taps. The Gateway goes out of business two weeks later.
• Completely bored in retirement, former State Sen. Chris Buttars joins an all-male ballroom dancing troupe called the "Bette Midlers." He never asks why everyone is so well-dressed, good-looking and friendly.
• Area residents are thrilled with the announcement that Salt Lake City is doubling its police force. The happiness dissipates when they are all assigned to parking enforcement.
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