For a week I have resisted mentioning a news story that appeared last Friday.
It was spawned by the British response to Mitt Romney's Olympics comments and the resulting brickbats from Utah officials who were offended.
But just like Al Pacino in "Godfather III," the more I tried to resist, the lure of poking fun kept pulling me back.
The Deseret News story started like this:
"Let this be a lesson to presidents and prime ministers around the world: You may disrespect Utah, but you do so at your own risk."
Oooooooooh.
The lead was aimed at British Prime Minister David Cameron's comment that the Salt Lake Olympics run by Romney were easier to pull off because they took place in "the middle of nowhere."
So, according to the story, Cameron and the Brits have put themselves at risk because they dared disrespect the Beehive State.
Of course, Utah Gov. Gary Herbert supplied some ammunition for that idea with his quote: "I seem to recall another British leader in years past making a similar dismissive comment. Back then, it was King George and those little colonies over the ocean in America."
And look what happened to King George.
So watch out, Cameron. After all, there is a Utah militia, you know. And Herbert sounded like he wouldn't be afraid to activate it.
Then you'll be sorry.
And did you know that you messed with a state that has its very own official state gun?
Mess with Utah too much and we'll send Rep. Curt Oda over there to kill all your cats. And we know how much Brits love their cats. Mess with Utah too much and Sen. Margaret Dayton will sic all of her imaginary wolves on you.
And Carl Wimmer, while no longer in the Legislature, is still a weightlifter.
If you tick off Utah too much, we just might send Gayle Ruzicka over there to review all your plays.
And we'll bring former Sen. Chris Buttars out of retirement to "cure" all your gay people by making them play baseball and fix cars.
Mess with Utah too much and we'll send Sen. Howard Stephenson to privatize your education system and teach you the virtues of for-profit health insurance companies.
And just to show how you really put yourself in peril, Cameron, you even provoked a response from Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker, who normally doesn't respond to anything.
"We'd welcome the opportunity to share all that we enjoy here ⦠including a great number of assets that you'd be hard-pressed to find in London," said a statement from Becker's office.
So if you persist in disrespecting us, we'll unleash the Salt Lake City Parking Services on you. The next thing you know, every visitor to your city will have a parking ticket — including the ones who don't have cars.
The Deseret News also sniped at one British publication — The Telegraph — which ran an op-ed that the newspaper said "included a healthy dose of self pity."
It quoted The Telegraph's Alex Spillius, who wrote: "I have listened to Mitt Romney's stump speeches countless times. A standard refrain is to run down Europe — not a hard case to make — and that includes us. Not once have I heard him praise Britain or extol the special relationship he now belatedly trumpets."
Oh, learn how to take a little criticism, there, Telegraph.
Otherwise, we'll deploy our secret weapon:
Richard Burwash.
