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In a hastily called news conference, Rep. Fred Knowlittle, Republican member of the Utah Legislature, attempted to put to rest rumors regarding the Republican caucus's position on the existence of the quark.

"We are aware that a lot of people have said some dumb things about our new understanding about quarks," he read in an opening statement, but added, "We are convinced, and we are unanimous here, that there are no quarks! They do not exist!"

Knowlittle said that since no one had ever seen a quark, how could anyone know they exist? "If anyone thinks there are quarks out there then they should bring one up here to the State Capitol and let us have a look. Otherwise, they should just shut up about the whole thing," he said.

"All this hot air about quarks, neutrinos, gluons, etc., etc., is just pointy-headed mumbo-jumbo and clearly some sort of plot to move the country down the road to socialism. It probably is part of the Obama administration's plan to expand the government, take away our guns, and take over our great country. Why should they tell us what we should believe? We are OK with electrons, protons, and maybe neutrons, but quarks are out," he added.

Asked by a reporter how members of the caucus had arrived at their notion of a quark-less world, Sen. John Knowevenless said they had done so after debating the question in a secret meeting on Thursday. "We've spent a lot of time on this, and now that we have determined the truth about quarks, it's time to move on," he said.

Knowlittle was asked about a letter signed by all the professors of physics at the University of Utah, BYU, Utah State University, Harvard, the University of Chicago, Stanford and over 100 other universities around the world, pointing out that there was no debate in science about the existence of quarks — or their position at the center of the Standard Model that physicists use to explain the nature of the universe — and that their existence has been repeatedly proven.

"Well, what do they know? We don't have time to read any letters from professors who claim they know so much. We have looked into this quark business and are completely convinced that they don't exist," Knowlittle said. "And if they did exist, they certainly wouldn't have such a stupid name as 'quark,' would they?"

Knowevenless, asked if they had consulted any scientists, said they had been in touch with His High Holiness Sung Moon Song, a Tibetan monk who has lived for the past 20 years in a cave in the Himalayas meditating on the existence of quarks.

"His Holiness has determined without a doubt that they don't exist," said Knowevenless, "and his evidence is impressive."

Knowlittle said that, based on the caucus's discovery that there is no such thing as a quark, a bill was being prepared for the next legislative session to forbid any mention of quarks in science classes in Utah schools.

"It's time we get rid of all these strange ideas our young people are learning in science classes," he said. "After all, we are a republic, not a democracy."

Joseph C. Bentley is professor emeritus of management and organizational behavior at the University of Utah. He lives in Salt Lake City.