Kirby: Enemy at the gates
I spoke at an LDS Church security conference/retreat last week. The event was held at the Grubstake Restaurant in Park City. What could happen, right?
I was attacked, that’s what could happen. In fact, I suspect that’s why I was invited in the first place.
The general perception of LDS Church security depends a lot on a person’s own bias. Most people see them as bodyguards and gate keepers — necessary evils in an increasingly hostile world.
Others see them as a cross between the CIA and mall cops, with wiretapping, electronic eavesdropping and the occasional assassination of a dissident or two.
For the past 20 years or so, I’ve only seen them as Joe, Ken, Gary, Jeff and Alex … retired cops I used to work with or see around.
On this particularly strange day there were maybe 50 church security … agents, guards, officers, detectives, Danites? I don’t know. Let’s go with "agents."
Anyway, there were about 50 church security agents and their spouses waiting to hear what a potential threat to the security of the church had to say.
I had seriously misread the situation and dressed in what I considered to be the appropriate attire. But as I approached the lectern to speak, the agent in charge pulled out a large pair of scissors.
"No ties," Ken said, and promptly cut my necktie off at the knot.
I have such a low opinion of the human race that I’m rarely caught off guard. But that … yeah, that was a first. For a moment, I struggled with conflicting thoughts.
Thought A: "What just happened?"
Thought B: "Damn, I wish this guy was my bishop."
As it turned out, I hadn’t gotten the "no neckties" memo. An organization required by church policy to wear neckties with pajamas wasn’t about to wear them at a retreat. OK then.
This wasn’t my first run-in with LDS Church security. That occurred in the summer of 1970, when a girlfriend and I were asked to leave Temple Square on a charge of inappropriate display of affections.
The most egregious time was when Bammer, Boone and I were not asked to leave church property, but rather were forcibly ejected for reasons I never entirely understood,s thanks to the effects of some spirits.
Most recently was a couple of years ago when I tried to get a bag of M&Ms, a bottle of Diet Coke and a knife past the Monster-nacle security gate during General Conference.