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Author's note • If you want an NFL preview with stats, analysis and facts … there are about 3 gazillion places for that. If you'd like an oddball perspective (mixed with pop culture references) on this weekend's four broadcast TV games in the SLC market, this is just the thing for you.
First Down
Raiders at Patriots, 11 a.m., Ch. 2 • Last week, New England faced a Minnesota team lacking talent at running back due to the shocking deactivation of Adrian Peterson. This week, New England faces an Oakland team lacking talent at virtually every position due to years of shocking ineptitude from the front office. At least they made some notable offseason moves this year, like signing injury-prone and past-their-prime guys like Maurice Jones-Drew and Justin Tuck, and trading for QB Matt Schaub, who promptly got beaten out by rookie Derek Carr. Maybe ex-Ute Keith McGill can provide a silver lining for the Silver-and-Black? Because, you know, it's reasonable to expect that from a third-string DB.
Second Down
Packers at Lions, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • I'm certain the primary interest in this game is all those huge defensive plays sure to come from the likes of Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh, from Julius Peppers and … and … um … Kyle Van Noy? Ziggy Ansah? Whatever. Looks like overmatched offensive types Aaron Rodgers and Calvin Johnson will have to do something über-extraordinary to have any impact on this game at all, given all the defensive star-power present.
Third Down
Broncos at Seahawks, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 2 • If only these teams had some sort of mutual history to spark some interest in this game, some common reference point to revert back to and provide some extra context for this contest. Unfortunately, without such an overriding storyline, all we're left with is the rather pedestrian question of whether Peyton Manning and offensively-oriented Denver can handle Seattle's super-defense or are doomed to a humiliating blowout along the lines of (picking random numbers here), say, 43-8. Good luck drumming up interest in that, CBS.
Fourth Down
Steelers at Panthers, 6:20 p.m., Ch. 5 • As two of the NFL's oldest and most marquee franchises, these bitter rivals have engaged in dozens of epic battles over the decades. So naturally, this game should follow suit and provide us with the latest instant classic in an already-storied mutual history.
Twitter: @esotericwalden