Paul Rolly: ’Twas the night before Christmas in Utah politics
By PAUL ROLLY
The Salt Lake TribuneFirst published Dec 24 2013 12:45PM
’Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Senate
The members bemoaned the loss of Bob Bennett.
It’s been three years since he lost to Mike Lee
His reasoned approach replaced with Lee’s "Me, Me, Me."
It was never more clear what that really meant
Than with the shutdown of the government
While some Republicans fled the tea party
Lee asked for money and became even more hardy.
Meanwhile, in Utah, members of the House were aghast
Their investigators had issued their findings at last.
They found that John Swallow and Mark Shurtleff were naughty.
And wondered if Santa would think them all snotty.
They feared Santa’s sleigh would bypass them all
When they need campaign presents before the next fall.
All of the members had their own special wish.
Some secretly wanted their own NSA dish.
For Senator Margaret Dayton, a coat made from wolves
For John Swallow, text-messaging that automatically dissolves.
For Santa’s forgiveness, John Swallow was striving.
He offered repentance and to pay all his tithing.
For House Majority Whip Greg Hughes,
A magic TV that plays only Fox News.
For the reigning House Speaker Becky Lockhart,
A carefully crafted campaign poison dart.
For Utah’ Governor Gary Herbert,
Poison dart repellent that when applied wouldn’t hurt.
He’d also ask Santa for a fundraiser or two
To beat not just Lockhart but Matheson, too.
For the retired Mark Shurtleff, an erasable tape.
For Senator Howard Stephenson, a new Superman cape.
For Mayor Mia Love, a popularity spike.
For Democrats, a Jim Matheson look-alike.
For Senator Hatch, also know as Orrin,
A new first name that does not rhyme with Borin’.
Congressman Stewart could ask for more snow
To keep his no-climate-change claim all aglow.
A shiny red bicycle for an eager Ralph Becker
For Congressman Chaffetz, a ban on fact checkers.
For Senator Jim Dabakis, redistricting that’s fair.
And for Mayor Ben McAdams, some nice facial hair.
All of these wishes had made Santa weary
Since the politicians’ actions had made him quite teary.
He disliked the down-with-Judge-Shelby shout
Since Donner and Blitzen had recently come out.
The polygamy decision had caused him some strife.
A different present would be required for each wife.
Those extra gifts would weigh down his sleigh.
It’s an easier job for households that are gay.
Still, Santa was about to embark on his trip
When a new development caused him to slip.
Senator Lee had wished for a mortgage-free house
If he didn’t get it, he was willing to joust.
Santa could face immigration blockades
As well as some frightening military air raids.
And if Lee didn’t get everything on his plate,
He and Ted Cruz would shut down the state.