Quantcast
Get breaking news alerts via email

Click here to manage your alerts

Kirby: Don’t fire until you see the whites in the clothes dryer

By Robert Kirby

| Tribune Columnist

First Published Jun 24 2014 01:01 am • Last Updated Jul 03 2014 12:56 pm

Tavaputs Ranch •

While our families celebrated Father’s Day without us, Sonny and I took to the mountains for the semi-annual Major Appliance Hunt. I’m pleased to report that we bagged a really nice Kenmore.

At a glance

Video: Robert Kirby destroys a Kenmore

Watch Robert Kirby fire his cannon and turn a major home appliance into scrap metal. › sltrib.com

Join the Discussion
Post a Comment

It wasn’t easy. Appliances can be elusive. But after two days of meticulous stalking, we spotted a beautiful electric dryer on a little knoll no less than 19 yards away.

The late afternoon sun was with us. We gauged the wind and range, debated in whispers the size of the load, then dropped it painlessly with a clean shot.

OK, it was a loud and messy shot. Four ounces of cannon-grade black powder puts out a lot of smoke. Also, pretty much anything will drop painlessly when struck by a 500 mph bowling ball.

You don’t need a really heavy caliber gun to take major appliances. This is especially true if you’re trophy hunting and only want some of the parts left over. For that a smaller caliber cannon is required.

Sonny and I have taken appliances with golf-ball guns, a billiard-ball cannon, and even a beautiful full-metal jacket 60 mm cement plug.

Hunting appliances is harder than you might think. You have to know what you’re doing or you could get hurt.

Most appliances already belong to someone else, and by this I mean they’re in a kitchen, garage or laundry room. People, including really stupid ones, will notice a bowling ball cannon going off near or even inside their home.

But even appliances in the wild — those found in dumps, salvage yards and along curbs — technically could be spoken for.


story continues below
story continues below

Last week, Sonny and I had our eye on a small herd of appliances near Tavaputs Ranch. These were free range major appliances. As near as we could tell, they hadn’t moved an inch in years. Perfect.

We asked ranch owner Butch Jensen if it was OK to take care of the appliances for him. He gave us the OK.

We were elated. These were the old-style washing appliances with the dangerous wringer rollers on top. I wanted a set for the wall of my den. Sonny planned to make a necklace or a hat out of his.

Fortunately we also thought to inquire of Butch’s wife Jeanie and his daughter Jennie. That’s when we learned that the appliances we spotted were not wild but in fact longtime family pets called "heirlooms."

The most feared creature on a ranch is a woman. With two of them threatening to kill us for destroying heirlooms, Sonny and I stuck to hunting only approved major appliances.

Sonny was the first to spot the one we finally bagged. Lost from the herd or pack, it was alone and confused. It sensed us as we argued over the amount of powder necessary to bring it down.

Just as the dryer was prepared to charge, we fired. The bowling ball went through the appliance, up a hill and whacked a tree. The appliance itself went to pieces.

We didn’t get a trophy this time, but it was a good hunt. We’re going again. We tried to scout the area for other appliances, but we weren’t so lucky this time.

Sonny notched out a bowling ball into which he fitted a Go-Pro camera. If we could get it high enough to video a wide area, we would know where to go hunting next.

We fired the Go-Pro into the stratosphere and … never found it. A search party combed the area for an hour and came up with nothing. It’s still out there somewhere, capturing important footage of sagebrush growing.

On the bright side, we have something else to hunt for the next time we go.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.



Copyright 2014 The Salt Lake Tribune. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Top Reader Comments Read All Comments Post a Comment
Click here to read all comments   Click here to post a comment


About Reader Comments


Reader comments on sltrib.com are the opinions of the writer, not The Salt Lake Tribune. We will delete comments containing obscenities, personal attacks and inappropriate or offensive remarks. Flagrant or repeat violators will be banned. If you see an objectionable comment, please alert us by clicking the arrow on the upper right side of the comment and selecting "Flag comment as inappropriate". If you've recently registered with Disqus or aren't seeing your comments immediately, you may need to verify your email address. To do so, visit disqus.com/account.
See more about comments here.
Staying Connected
Videos
Jobs
Contests and Promotions
  • Search Obituaries
  • Place an Obituary

  • Search Cars
  • Search Homes
  • Search Jobs
  • Search Marketplace
  • Search Legal Notices

  • Other Services
  • Advertise With Us
  • Subscribe to the Newspaper
  • Access your e-Edition
  • Frequently Asked Questions
  • Contact a newsroom staff member
  • Access the Trib Archives
  • Privacy Policy
  • Missing your paper? Need to place your paper on vacation hold? For this and any other subscription related needs, click here or call 801.204.6100.