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Kirby: Sex in the afterlife? Heaven forbid
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Mormons believe in a mother in heaven. God's wife, if you will. It's a bit of deep-background LDS theology that supports the eternal nature of procreation.

Note: Having a mother in heaven is a ridiculous concept for many Christians, who, ironically, will then try to explain the Holy Trinity with a completely straight face.

The Mormon idea behind a mother in heaven stems from the belief that marriage is potentially forever and that there's an eternal point to gender. Namely that we aren't just another of God's armpit-scratching primates, but literally His (OK, and Her) sons and daughters.

Sex in heaven is a touchy subject. The Bible says there's no marriage in heaven, and good church people know you have to be married to have sex. So, no marriage, no sex. According to them.

Some creationists will go so far as to claim that Adam and Eve didn't have belly buttons. Having been created from scratch rather than gestated, they wouldn't have needed places to sport navel bling.

Makes sense if you believe that sort of thing. But one gospel question always leads to another for me. If Adam and Eve didn't have belly buttons, will you and I still have our reproductive organs after the Resurrection?

If there's no procreation in heaven, we won't need the various biological accoutrements that make us male and female down here. Why bother lugging these skin tags around if they aren't going to serve a purpose?

Hmm, I don't know. That doesn't sound like heaven to me. Do we really want to hang around wondering what happened to a large part of the fun we used to have with our soulmates?

Speaking of which, if there is no marriage in heaven, then there are no soulmates. The concept of happy ever after with your one true love is false, a product of romance novels and the Hallmark Channel.

But if there's no marriage (or sex) in heaven, what's the point of finding your soulmate down here? How special could one of those be in a heaven so blissfully androgynous that anyone, including a monkey, could be your soulmate?

A mother in heaven is a nice thought but also way above my blessings grade. I only bring it up because, as I said, one gospel imponderable always leads to another for me.

Procreation means family (there is no birth control in heaven), and family always leads to trouble. Toward that end, allow me to point out the highly overlooked flip side to the idea of a mother in heaven.

If we do have a mother in heaven, then it automatically follows that we also have a mother-in-law in heaven.

That scared you, didn't it? Yeah, suddenly the concept of a mother in heaven doesn't sound quite so attractive if there's an in-law version, too. It would certainly explain Satan, though.

And if you have mother-in-heaven-in-laws, there's bound to be a brother-in-law in heaven. You know? The guy who's an expert on everything but can't hold down a job?

Siblings, cousins, stepsisters in heaven … it's too much for me.

But that's all in heaven. I probably don't have to worry about it.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.

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