Kirby: Next job for Romney? Perhaps the Mormon church will call
I voted Tuesday. I cast my practically worthless ballot in favor of (none of your #%$@ business) for president.
What I didn't do was take voting so seriously that I considered it a life-or-death responsibility, or even something that I should fast and pray about it.
Not everyone felt that way. Prior to the election I received emails and comments from readers loudly insisting that I understand the importance of voting exactly the same way that they do.
For example, just about every person who wrote to harangue me about exercising my right to vote ironically proved they didn't really care so much about me voting as they did about me voting their way.
Case in point: "You are dead wrong about not wanting to vote. It's your responsibility as a real American to vote. It's not a waste of time. Romny [sic] will win if people like you don't vote."
People like me? What makes you think I'd vote for Obama? More importantly, if you knew that I was going to vote for Mitt, would you be so self-righteously insistent that I get out and be a "real American?"
How proud of me would you be for taking part in the democratic process if for president you knew I wrote in the Hamburglar?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Apparently not only am I not a real American, I'm not even a true Mormon. Proof is that I didn't ask for Heavenly Father's help in voting for the one true candidate.
I say this because I ignored fellow Mormons who encouraged me to fast and pray for Mitt Romney so he could rescue America from secret combinations.
It was so very important to do everything in my power to help Heavenly Father help the church help Mitt help America.
I even got a couple of emails from seriously disturbed Mormons accusing Barack Obama of being a modern day Gadianton robber. Look it up.
And now that the election is over, it seems clear that despite all that fasting and praying, Satan won. Mitt isn't the president and he's going to have to sell that white horse people thought he was prophesied to ride.
A newspaper headline said Mitt's future is cloudy now that he isn't going to be president. Absent that job, what is he going to do with himself?
Maybe it's me. A cloudy or uncertain job future is one where you lose your job and have to consider the very real possibility that you'll lose your house as well.
Mitt didn't get the job but that doesn't make his future cloudy. Hell, he's probably rich enough to buy a small country somewhere if he still wants to be president of something.
I wouldn't worry about him. Now that Mitt has been released from his calling to run for president of the United States, the LDS Church will have to find a new church job for him.
It's part of the church's "No Mormon Left To Unwind" program. Mitt will end up with another job, perhaps even in his LDS ward's nursery.
The election was a success. We elected a president and the loser will get another job. Even better, I ignored all of you and did what I wanted. Church or state, there's the real beauty of democracy.
Robert Kirby can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.