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A windbreaker? Have you no class?
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • My mom and I are incredibly close, and we talk about everything. However, we kind of clash about one BIG thing: who she dates. She tells me all about what kind of guy she likes and how she wants a man who complements her lifestyle (classy and adventurous), yet she keeps bringing home losers — there's really no better way to put this. They're typically way older than she is, not adventurous at all, not classy AT ALL, not nearly as intelligent or attractive as she is, and they generally just don't complement her. Example: She dressed up for a date, and one time the guy wore WINDBREAKERS. I would care a lot less if she was just casually dating, but she keeps talking marriage with these guys and then saying what a loser each of them was after they break up. In the past, I've been very forthcoming about my feelings and it would hurt her, so my new method is to stay out of it. But I'm worried that if I don't tell her something, she'll end up marrying one of these guys and then will end up unhappy.

Painfully Honest

Dear Painfully Honest • I started an answer, but backspaced because I need to say this first: The windbreaker example is terrible if your intent is to prove these men are "losers." As a compatibility measure, it's fine, but are you really judging the character of these men by such superficial standards? If so, then I'm going to suggest as kindly as I can that you and your mom perhaps share a people-reading disability, where you mistake a tuxedo for "class," whatever that is. And that could indicate a chasm between what you two regard as a sign of quality, and what really is one. Regardless, it sounds as if you have the right idea in deciding not to get up in her grill about every guy she dates — but there's one more choice available to you, if you haven't tried it yet: calling attention to the pattern versus the guy. By that I mean, instead of challenging This Guy or That One, express concern that with every guy she has chosen lately, she has broken up and cried "loser." Express sympathy for her string of disappointments, and ask if there's a common denominator she might have missed.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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