Husband's demands are out of bounds
Dear Carolyn • My husband of three years and I have finally gotten to where it is practical to try to start a family. We've known for a few years that I have a fertility problem that gets progressively worse each month, but we weren't ready so we decided to wait. I have given up everything I am supposed to including alcohol and caffeine, at his request, and am taking dance classes twice a week to try to get to a healthier weight. I will be the first to admit that I am not in the best shape I have been in since we have been together, but I am active and only 15 pounds overweight. I thought we were on the same page about starting to try until he told me that I need to be healthier, and part of that request is that I first lose 30 pounds. Now he wants to attend my next doctor's appointment to prove to me that I am not physically prepared for what I thought we wanted. I'm not sure what to do next and would appreciate any guidance.
Dear Michigan • I've been at this gig for 15 years and still, somehow, I can be surprised by the abundance and variety of ways people find to treat their supposed-loved-ones like dirt. Your doctor won't say this to you, so I will: Your husband's insensitivity, and casual disregard for boundaries between his body and yours do far more to disqualify him as father material than your extra pounds do to rule out motherhood for you. While I realize you are invested in this marriage to the point where you're ready to bring children into it today, I'm nevertheless going to beg you to look closely enough at your years together to see whether this recent bit of arrogance, and, yes, misogyny out of your husband is wildly out of character for him, or just the one time it's been blatant enough to catch your full attention. If it's the former, then go ahead, bring him to your appointment, and let the doctor handle his weight concerns and also hear about your discomfort with his asserting what you can and can't eat, and what you can and can't be trusted to discuss with your doctor yourself. If it's the latter then please deal with this painful truth about the man you married. Better now than when the self-image of a child is wet clay in his hands.
Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.