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Mastering the skill of listening, not talking

Published August 29, 2012 10:34 am

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On telling a sympathetic story that comes across as one upping • Pay attention at the moment you realize you have a comparable story. Because it is at that exact moment that you have stopped listening to the other person and are instead thinking about what you want to say: You are listening for your chance to jump in, and ignoring the other person.

So — STOP thinking about your own story and go back to listening to the other person. Maybe ask for some elaboration, or continuation, or clarification. Encourage them to tell their story, and let them. What are they telling you? What happened, what did they bring from it? Shut up and listen. Listening is a harder skill than talking. Develop it.

Mr. Advice, Everybody's Friend

On the impulse to chuck everything in response to a vague sense of unhappiness • Sounds like my ex-husband! Whenever he is unhappy (which is pretty much all the time), his first impulse is to chuck the relationship and find a new woman, who supposedly will make him happier than the one he has.

His best friend tried to get him to exercise, which would get those endorphins flowing and make him happier. He'd only go if his friend drove across town and dragged him out.

I tried to get him to eat healthier food. He'd eat the salad I prepared for dinner, then come up with some errand that needed to be run, and stuff himself on fried chicken, donuts and ice cream.

Both his best friend and I tried to get him into counseling. He went to one session, complained "it's too hard" — he was expected to deal with painful issues he'd long buried — and refused to go again.

He's always on the run from reality, always thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. Then he finds that his new woman isn't the miracle worker he expected, and he goes in search of another woman. And another.

Anonymous

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.