This classic Robert Kirby column originally ran in The Salt Lake Tribune on October 8, 1994.
In the entire world, there are only five kinds of Mormons.
LIBERAL MORMONS: This includes all Mormons who attend church only when they feel like it. LM's vote anywhere to the left of the Republican party, are not rabidly pro-life, and don't believe every word that falls from the lips of a general authority represents the actual personal opinion of Jesus Christ.
LM's are going to hell. Just ask any of the other four kinds of Mormons. On the other hand, LM's think the intolerance and naivetÃ© of other Mormons is more of a threat to mankind than Russian missiles, wheat weevils or R-rated movies.
GENUINE MORMONS: Nearly every Mormon thinks this is the kind of Mormon he represents. In reality, GM's are about as rare as, oh, say angels or golden plates.
True GM's are unimpressed with themselves and their own opinions. They are affable, easy-going, and keenly interested in the well being of others. They live various lifestyles, have a variety of friends, and, when compared to the more outlandish lifestyles of other Mormons, tend to be dang near invisible. A friend of mine says this is because all GM's have been translated. Not even.
Studies have proven there are only 11 GM's on the face of the earth. Two of them live in Utah, three in the remainder of the United States, two in South America, one each in Japan, Canada, Samoa and Spain. There are no GM's in California or Idaho. There was a 12th GM in England but she died.
CONSERVATIVE MORMON: These kinds of Mormons are the suit and flowered dress crowd you see at church. They tend to be overweight and Republican. They attend church 95 percent of the time but may, if pressed hard enough, sleep through General Conference. They pay tithing on ten percent of their net income and have 4.5 children. The homes of CM's are decorated with Relief Society-produced knickknacks. CM's humor LM's because God says they have to. Seventy-five percent of the LDS church is CM, and 99 percent of all CM's were born into the church.
ORTHODOX MORMONS: This kind of Mormon would not miss church for the death of a relative. Left to their own devices, OM's would eventually make the bringing of dry cereal in Tupperware bowls to sacrament meeting a gospel ordinance. OM women stop having children at 36 because 35 are too many even for them.
OM's are scared of Russians, MTV and accidentally partaking of the sacrament with their left hands. They believe LM's are children of the devil. OM's pay tithing based on their gross income and believe that Diet Coke is part of the Word of Wisdom.
NAZI MORMONS: Ten percent of the LDS is church is NM. Of that 10 percent, 90 percent live in Utah, most within pot-lucking distance of BYU. NM's claim Diet Coke is the same thing as heroin, and heaven is a multi-level marketing system of glory.
NM's believe French kissing is cause for excommunication. They routinely take church advice and improve on it: If no single dating until 16 is good, no single dating until the draft age is even better. NM's pay tithing based on their gross income plus the stuff they get from the bishop's storehouse.<