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Book shatters stereotypes about Muslim women, sex and love
First Published Feb 20 2012 12:39 pm • Last Updated Feb 20 2012 12:41 pm

If you think good Muslim women wait for marriage to have sex, think again.

"I’m an unmarried, Muslim non-virgin," declares Insiya Ansari, a writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. "I’ve said it aloud."

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"And, no, I wasn’t married or engaged to be married, or even in an exclusive relationship," says Zahra Noorbakhsh, a comedian and the daughter of Iranian immigrants.

" ‘Ohhhh,’ I think to myself, ‘this is what sex is like for most people,’ " writes Najva Sol, recalling her first sexual encounter with a woman, when she was 18, after several mostly ho-hum sexual encounters with men.

Those are some of the revelations in Love InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women, a new collection of stories about flirting, dating, lust, sex, marriage and divorce by an array of 25 Muslim women.

In Love InshAllah, released Jan. 24 by Soft Skull Press in Berkeley, Calif., the writers bare their most intimate emotions and sexual encounters, and unload brutally honest criticisms on parents, ex-boyfriends and themselves.

Together, the stories paint a different picture of Muslim women — with the same yearnings, dilemmas, joys and frustrations as non-Muslim women, while shattering stereotypes of Muslim women as oppressed chattel whose sexual lives are decided by men.

Such candor is not the norm in Muslim American communities, and the book’s two editors, Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi, said they were surprised that, after casting about for submissions on list-serves, blogs and social media sites, they got around 200 entries.

"I felt like we hit a chord. I felt like women were ready to talk about these stories," said Mattu, 39, who recounts her own story about flirting with her future husband (a nonpracticing Christian) in a Boston dive bar, moments after resolving to date only Muslim men.

"One of my greatest desires for this book," Mattu said, "is for it to break down the barriers between the generations, and to really be a tool for discussion within families."

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Maznavi, a civil rights attorney who wears a hijab, said there "really hasn’t been the space to discuss these issues publicly — and openly and honestly." Her own story is about resisting the temptation to give up her first kiss, at 25, to a chiseled Catholic fitness trainer from Sri Lanka.

"There’s been a lot of fear in the community — fear of judgment, fear of disapproval," she said, "and I think that has manifested itself in a lot of self-censorship and people not feeling comfortable to talk about these issues, even with very, very close friends."

Laila Al-Marayati, a spokeswoman for the Muslim Women’s League and an OB-GYN who teaches a sex education class at a Muslim middle school in Pasadena, Calif., agreed that Muslim families and communities don’t pay enough attention to sexual education and relationships.

The results, she said, can include painful sex and dysfunctional relationships.

"There’s not very much out there, and what is out there is very much this shame mentality — if you do this or that, shame on you and God will punish you," Al-Marayati said. "That’s not helpful."

The collection is the latest among a spate of books published in recent years, including I Speak for Myself and Living Islam Out Loud, in which Muslim American women try to tell their own stories and create their own images that challenge the stereotypes that are imported from more misogynistic societies such as Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran and Saudi Arabia.

"There are still misconceptions about Muslim women, because Muslim women, their bodies, their lives, have been so caught up in political debate," Mattu said. "I feel like this is a way for people to connect with women who are revealing their full humanity."

The word "Inshallah" from the book’s title is Arabic for "God willing" and alludes to the search for love, a theme to which any woman can relate. Other stories delve into the fear that Muslim parents will be disappointed with a non-Muslim boyfriend, or the disappointment of anti-climactic sexual encounters, or the pain of divorce.

In one of the more heartbreaking stories, Leila Khan talks about losing her fiancé because he condemned her faith.

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