By Robert Kirby

| The Salt Lake Tribune

I’m probably the only human being with a Y chromosome who didn’t watch the Super Bowl on Sunday. By Monday afternoon, I still had no idea who won.

There was plenty of expectation that I would watch. While I was shopping with my wife on Saturday, every clerk and salesperson asked, "So, are you going to watch the Super Bowl?" or "Who do you like in the Super Bowl?"

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I told the first clerk I wasn’t a sports fan and would sooner watch reruns of "The View" than tune in to the Super Bowl. Judging from the look she gave me, I had suddenly turned into a squid.

The second clerk was puzzled when I said, "Doritos." I heard Doritos would have something to do with the Super Bowl, and I like them, so …

Not being a sports fan leaves me open to a lot of unflattering speculation — that I’m unmanly, un-American, noncompetitive, and in general, not right in the head.

I confess to having moments when I’m all of those, but they have nothing to do with liking sports. There just aren’t any sports that interest me.

Baseball is tedious to the point of a migraine. Basketball makes no real sense. Football takes too long. Tennis is utterly pointless. And I would sandpaper my eyeballs before I’d watch golf.

Note: It also bugs the hell out of me that kids are starving to death and we don’t even blink at giving $50 million to a guy with a monosyllabic vocabulary.

My problem is there’s no real drama in the Super Bowl, and the commercial breaks go on forever.

But I’d have season tickets for cannonball. Damn right. Shoot a football at an opposing team with a howitzer, and I’m there for the entire game AND the postgame wrap-up.

John Madden: "If you watch closely, No. 61 got a little too in front of the ball on that play. They’re still looking for his pelvis."

Terry Bradshaw: "It’s probably in the parking lot, John. And with that, the Cowboys are just about out of running backs."

I could stand baseball if they pitched grenades instead of balls. The game would move a lot faster, and batters would work a lot harder on improving their averages.

Even professional wrestling might appeal to me with just a bit of tweaking. I’d love to watch some guy try that folding chair crap on a fully grown mountain gorilla. Talk about drama in the ring.

Golf. Ugh. Short of hunting pro golfers with dogs and helicopters, I’m not sure how to make that particular sport interesting enough to watch.

But what I want isn’t really fair to people who already like those sports. Why should they suffer because of my short attention span? Maybe we should just invent some new sports.

I think bull fighting is passé (in addition to being horribly wrong). But lion fighting would be a hit, especially if the fighting was done by half-naked televangelists.