Dear Carolyn • How much time is appropriate to mourn the end of a serious relationship? I had been with my live-in boyfriend for six years when we broke up this summer. Friends were there for me at first, but they have quickly started encouraging me to move on and seem impatient when I say I’m still adjusting. This is the person I thought I was going to marry! Doesn’t that warrant a pretty substantial goodbye period?

Expiration Period?

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Dear Expiration Period? • Yes, it does, and it’s important for you to take your time in making whatever adjustments you need. It’s a big loss; I’m sorry. There’s no universal "goodbye period" that’s right for everyone, and that does mean you can recover at your own pace. But that’s not all of it: It also means your friends can nurse your wounds at their pace, too. With a lot of (most?) friends, there’s a statute of limitations on talking about it as if it just happened. For those in the midst of a long recovery, that usually means reaching a point when you have to process most of your (stuff) on your time, and bring friends in only when you really need their help.

Dear Carolyn • I’m not sure how to ask this without invoking the wrath of some of the more judgmental readers. How do I "fire" a mean-spirited, seemingly miserable bridesmaid without (a) seeming like a bridezilla, (b) alienating any other bridesmaids, or (c) inviting any other negative consequences?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous • Don’t fire her, talk to her. "You seem to be really unhappy — maybe with me, maybe with something else, I don’t want to make assumptions. But am I reading this right?" If you get a yes, then it’s likely she’ll supply you with the whats and the why ... unless she’s "nice" and withholds the truth, but that’ll render moot any honesty and courtesy you show her, won’t it ... Where was I? Oh, right — if she gives you a reason for her misery, then you can decide from there whether you want to offer her an out (note the phrasing). Even if you get a denial, you can still offer to release her from her obligation. Your honesty here will be as crucial as hers.

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