By Robert Kirby

| The Salt Lake Tribune

In yet another long-shot bid for the presidency, I have held two political rallies. Neither was well attended.

Only Sonny showed up at the first. The second was a rousing success by comparison, pulling in a crowd of three.

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My wife didn’t show up at either event, citing a level of self-respect that prevented her from being seen at such things. As a result, she missed both my speeches.

I held the first rally in the back of a pickup. I spoke about the need for decisive action in America, waving around a list of the names of 500 people I would have shot into space immediately upon being elected.

Not wanting to squander his vote, Sonny asked a question that went straight to the heart of my candidacy.

Him: "Is my name on the list?"

Me: "Maybe."

At the second rally, I was heckled. Bammer interrupted and pointed out that he had actually seen me abuse drugs when we were younger. Furthermore, it was perfectly clear from what he was hearing now that I had never really gotten better.

Obviously I wasn’t handling these rallies well. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong until Tuesday, when presidential candidate Ron Paul took the stage in New Hampshire.

Paul marched into his rally accompanied by the "Imperial March" from "Star Wars," the doom music that followed Darth Vader around. It was catchy. Everyone cheered, which is the smart thing to do if he really is a dark overlord.

Later, I learned Mitt Romney does the same thing, only he takes the stage to the tune of Kid Rock’s "Born Free." What a lame attempt to pander to the younger generation. He should have stuck to the 1966 version.

Jon Huntsman uses "Beautiful Day" by the Irish rock band U2. Given Jon’s foreign policy experience, it makes sense that he shopped for his campaign tunage abroad.

I have no idea what songs Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrich use at their rallies, but they’ve got them. I’d wager real money that one of them bounds onto the stage to "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

I don’t have a campaign song. Without a bit of inspirational music or a fight song, how could I expect to whip up the masses? But which one? The wrong signature tune could spell disaster.

Because I’m Mormon, some people might be thinking that I’d go for a Mormon Tabernacle Choir song out of loyalty to my church. Many of those people’s names are already on that list I was talking about.

Given my police background, the soundtrack for the Clint Eastwood movie "Hang ’em High" popped up immediately. It’s catchy but also obscure.

Also considered was "Raise Your Glass" by Pink. It’s a song about underdogs, which should appeal to many Americans these days.

Then it hit me. It was there all along, a tune I couldn’t stop humming since last month. It summed up my entire political platform — justice, trade, infrastructure, welfare, defense, #&%@! Congress — it was all there.

The song goes straight to the heart of what I believe. "I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas."

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/notpatbagley.