Dear Carolyn • What is the best way to end a friendship — to back away slowly and quietly, or to be upfront about why you are unhappy? My close friend has become the Patron Saint of Stressed Mothers over the last two years. All of the friends in our group have pitched in to help her adjust to this new lifestyle by baby-sitting, bringing over meals, listening patiently to all of HER problems, and politely tolerating her constant berating of her husband and own mother for the slightest child-rearing offense. Before she was Stressed Mom, she was very fun, although she always had to be the center of attention, also politely tolerated because we all love her husband so much. Now her rudeness is extending to friends, with comments such as, "Well, now you know what MY life is like," after seven hours of baby-sitting for her. We all realize that part of this is related to the hormonal adjustment and just being plain tired, but she recently stopped working, and we hoped things would improve. They have not. Is it time for an intervention, or should we move slowly away and then explain when she finally realizes we’ve had enough?

Ready to Bail on a Friendship

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Dear Ready to Bail • Seven hours? My former new-mother self just fainted. My current incarnation is finding it hard to believe there isn’t one truth-teller in your entire group. "Actually, the thing to say to a person who just watched your child gratis for seven hours is, ‘Thank you, o madly merciful one.’" "If there’s a problem with my dinners, say so, because I’ll gladly stop feeding you." "Perhaps you don’t realize how you sound, but you are being really tough on your husband/mom lately." These are plenty solicitous and completely clear — steel wrapped in flannel. You’re still her friend (for now), so try using this formula to tell her kindly whenever she crosses a line; then wait a reasonable interval to see whether she gets this overdue message. Even if you cave on everything else, please call her on the way she treats her husband; what you describe is verbal and possibly emotional abuse, and "politely tolerating" is not a valid response.

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