This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2011, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
When I was kid, I always thought fireworks would make church more interesting. There wasn't a worship meeting so boring that it couldn't be salvaged with a few aerial pyrotechnics. Especially if aimed at the right people.
Unfortunately, grown-ups were in charge of church, and to a 10-year-old, there isn't a more tedious group of people on the planet than church adults. Maybe math teachers, but that's only a guess.
It wasn't the gospel that was boring. In truth, all the elements were there for keeping up a kid's interest — centurions, lepers, thieves, zombies, mustard seeds, demonically possessed swine, etc.
It was the delivery. Even as a kid, I had a hard time understanding how anyone could make a story about a virgin birth and a homicidal king boring, but they did.
Every Sunday afternoon, there I was, screwed into a pew listening to some goof hold forth at length about the precise steps necessary to make the Holy Ghost our friend.
Him: "Step No. 1,152.6, brothers and sisters, is…"
Me: "Would you please shut up so we can go home and watch 'Bonanza'?"
I once made the mistake of whispering that within earshot of the old man. That evening I watched 'Bonanza' cross-eyed.
Kids had no say about church. Our job was to sit still and be quiet. Not me. I sat and fidgeted. I was good at it, too. With my arms folded, I could walk from one end of the pew to the other on just my hams.
Church became more tolerable as I grew up. Eventually I matured to the point where I stopped fidgeting and started falling asleep. I still mutter to myself, though.
Apparently, I'm not the only one who felt this way as a kid. Over the years, church attendance has steadily declined in the United States. Depending on which set of numbers used, fewer than 20 percent of us go to church regularly.
It won't be long before church in America is just like church in Europe; gorgeous cathedrals where you can find widows and listen to crickets.
As you might expect, the biggest at-risk group is young adults, or people fresh off of having been made to go to church as kids. Now that they have some say in the matter, they aren't going. And you can't make them.
Churches are understandably desperate for ways to reverse this decline. The music in some is becoming more upbeat, incorporating electric guitars, drums, xylophones and even zithers. Look it up.
The sermons in others are less punishing and more uplifting. It seems the Lord is a lot nicer than he was back in the 1950s.
Some churches are even adding gimmicks. At one Christian megachurch in Texas, there are fast-food windows. You can get fries with your salvation.
While some of this might not be to your personal liking, it makes a certain amount of sense. I'd like to see some changes in my own church. For example, I think the lectern should be electrified and the congregation allowed to vote. If your rambling bores/annoys more than 50 percent of those listening, you get zapped with enough electricity to change your channel.
Other things that would make me pay attention in church are Frisbees during the prelude, banjo musical numbers, backup dancers, guest speakers from other faiths, doctrinal bully beat downs and nachos.
Note: I'm only kidding about one of those.
Seriously, it's hard to get people to come and listen about how not to go to hell if you only end up making them feel like they're already there.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/notpatbagley.