Dear Carolyn • Do you have any advice on how two people who REALLY hit it off after a mutual friend's birthday party might see past their own hang-ups and begin dating each other with open minds? Long story short, we've both got some socially imposed judgments about how easy it was for the other person to jump into bed right away.

One night stand to a relationship

Dear One night stand • Keyboard, face, keyboard, face. How about: "Why don't we go out to see if we actually like each other?" Unless you don't feel as if you can do the asking?

Dear Carolyn • I guess your reaction is about what I was expecting. Look, I get it — I have no right to judge another person for tangoing when I was tangoing right along with him/her. But I know myself, and I know the one-night stand resulted from a series of fluke circumstances, so it's easy to excuse away my own behavior. I can't do that as easily for the other person. Meanwhile, s/he has joked about not totally believing me when I said, "I never do things like this." I agree we shouldn't be judging each other, I'm just asking how to avoid doing it involuntarily.

One night stander (again)

Dear One night stand • If you excuse your own behavior then, morally, you have to excuse the exact same behavior in others. Glass House 101. I realize that's the argument you already buy, but I think actually believing it kills the involuntary impulse to judge. That's because if you really believe you're no better than another one-night-stander, then you'll see him/her as your equal. It's pretty clear you don't see it that way, though. You think your reasons were justified and his/hers weren't. Do you think the place you draw the line for yourself is the only valid place to draw one? If you continue to believe, privately, that you're superior to this other person, then do him/her a favor and don't pursue a relationship. But if you genuinely find the person's personality, character, demeanor or circumstances intriguing then I don't see how the one-night stand even matters, except as a particularly enthusiastic icebreaker.

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