This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2010, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Robert Kirby is on vacation. This is a reprint of an earlier column.
The booing starts shortly after 2 p.m. today. Maybe it's noon. Anyway, long before sundown. Proof of our society's decline is that Halloween has become a broad daylight event for many. No one knows for certain who first violated the hallowed tradition of trick-or-treating only after dark, though my guess is some joyless, lazy parent. It started the gentrification of Halloween.
People, this is no way to behave. What's the point of dressing up like a witch or a ghoul when there's enough light to clearly see your Reeboks sticking out from under the costume? It totally kills the effect.
When I was a kid, there were rules to the art of door-to-door extortion. Kids today don't even know that they're going about Halloween all wrong.
I don't remember all of the rules, but the major ones are still "whack-in-the-head" clear in my mind and relevant today: No ringing doorbells until sundown. No using real knives with your costume. No stuffing cats inside pumpkins. No running around in the street. No shoving your little brother wearing cardboard boxes as a robot costume down a flight of stairs.
What else? Oh, yeah. No going back 14 times to the house that gives out good treats. No robbing candy from smaller kids. And NO throwing caramel apples at police cars.
Also, if your dog went trick-or-treating with you, he had to wear a costume as well. Having him fall into ditches all night long because his head was covered with glue and cotton balls to simulate rabies was a small price to pay for realism.
The rules weren't always easy to obey. Sometimes the old man would have to lock us in the garage to keep us from going trick-or-treating immediately after breakfast. Still, the rules were there.
It's up to those of us who remember the real Halloween to bring about a return to its traditional values. We can do this by rewarding correct behavior.
First, stop using electric pumpkins. Get back to the tradition of candles and carved jack-o'-lanterns. There was a time when the smell of burning pumpkins actually conjured demons and vampires and bog beasts.
Consider rewarding traditional behavior. If a kid shows up on your doorstep wearing a Wal-Mart clown costume, he or she does not deserve the same reward as a kid who really put some work into going out as a venerable spook or zombie.
I'm not saying that modern forms of horror aren't acceptable. If a kid rings my doorbell dressed as presidential adviser Karl Rove, he's getting double the treat and possibly even some money. That's damn scary stuff.
In defense of basic trick-or-treat values, I see no reason not to use electricity and high-pressure water hoses on teenagers who show up without a costume and expect a handout. It worked on me.
A certain amount of harmless but bothersome trickery should be encouraged against those who give out useless treats or who refuse to play along. The inconvenience should not in general be life-threatening or cost more than $50 to clean up.
Cuteness and politeness and sunlight have their place, people, but it's not during Halloween. If you want that stuff, wait until Easter.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com.