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Rolly: If Utah politicians had dressed up for Comic Con

Published September 15, 2013 12:43 pm

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

If these Utah political figures had attended the recent Salt Lake Comic Con, here are the characters they could have been:

John Swallow ­­— Gollum from "Lord of the Rings," a man who becomes completely corrupted by the power of the ring. (Or the power of the attorney general's office?)

Jim Dabakis — Frodo, also of "Lord of the Rings." Despite being out­­-powered and out-manned, he pursues an impossible quest to destroy the ring — if only he can get it back from John Swallow.

Chad Bennion — Peter Griffin of the "Family Guy," a modern version of Archie Bunker. Jealous and low brow, he prefers watching Pauly Shore movies over Oscar-winners like "The Godfather." Enjoys passing gas in clothes he tries on at high-end retailers.

Chris Stewart — Astro Boy, a robot who can't quite emulate human emotions or aesthetics. But like Stewart, he does fly.

Jason Chaffetz — Captain America, a formerly frail young man, he got his powers after being injected by a secret government serum, probably administered by Rep. Eric Cantor.

Rob Bishop — The Thing, a nonglamorous superhero with a modest blue-collar upbringing. He doesn't care what comes his way because it generally just bounces off.

Mia Love — Cat Woman. Not really sure if she is good or bad, but you have to watch.

Jim Matheson — Robin, of Batman and Robin. Matheson is no Batman. But then, he's no Joker, either. He's just the mildly effective guy who's too milquetoast to draw attention. He briefly considered going as the Invisible Man.

Mark Shurtleff — Walter White of "Breaking Bad," a former high school teacher who "broke bad" to build an empire of money and power. And like "Breaking Bad," nobody knows how the Shurtleff saga is going to end.

Bob Bennett — Obi-Wan Kenobi of "Star Wars." Bennett gave his political life while in service to his country. And like Obi-Wan, he might be more appreciated after the fact.

Orrin Hatch — Saruman of "Lord of the Rings," a once great wizard, but due to his growing ambition and desire for power, ended his career on the wrong side.

Sim Gill — Batman. Somewhat independent of law enforcement, but strong enough to stand up to the bad guys on both sides.

Mike Lee — Vector from "Despicable Me." Takes himself much more seriously than everyone else. Is on the wrong side of evil and got his start only because of his dad's success.

Mitt Romney — Carter Pewterschmidt of "Family Guy." Long before Mitt dismissed the 47 percent, Billionaire Carter Pewterschmidt was busy opposing gay marriage and hiring Mexican day laborers.

Enid Greene — Mystique from "X-Men," who has the ability to shape shift from one appearance to another. Like going from a notorious election stealer into the radio version of the paragon of virtue.

Gary Herbert — Gimli from "Lord of the Rings," an earnest but simple member of the fellowship whose abilities aren't quite enough to do the job right.

Gayle Ruzika — Maleficent from "Sleeping Beauty," the evil superpower who will punish all those who ignore or disrespect her. Legislators cringe at her feet.

prolly@sltrib.com