Quantcast
Get breaking news alerts via email

Click here to manage your alerts
Spouse’s gay affair leads to divorce
First Published Aug 16 2014 01:01 am • Last Updated Aug 17 2014 06:22 pm

Dear Carolyn • My spouse told me earlier this week that he/she wants a divorce. I had a gay affair. I was pushing for us to work past this. We both love each other, but I guess emotional love isn’t enough.

The thing is — I don’t even know where to start. I can’t tell my family. I don’t want to come out. I feel like a failure. No one in my family is divorced.

Join the Discussion
Post a Comment

We have no kids and agreed to split everything 50/50, so this will be painful but not spiteful. Is there a step-by-step guide to this? Where do I live? What do I tell people? How do I navigate?

Dear Divorcing • — "I can’t tell my family": Yes, you can. Your current agony began with this truth: You are one person trying to live as another. Until you resolve this fundamental dissonance, you will always struggle to navigate. "Where to start" is accepting who you are, then deciding how you want to live. If you choose again to be one thing but live as another — which I certainly don’t advise — then let this experience with your spouse teach you at least to be honest with any co-stars in your act.

— "I don’t want to come out": See above.

— "I feel like a failure": You are not a failure; your marriage has failed. Big difference. Please resist the urge to see cosmic meaning in earthly things. When it all feels overwhelming, take each piece and deal with it as pragmatically as you can.

— "No one in my family is divorced": Hey, somebody had to be first! Flippant, yes, but you know what? You go with it. It’ll keep you from going nuts.

— "Is there a step-by-step guide to this?": There’s a step-by-step guide to everything. Google away. But you seem to be more in need of a safe place to sort out your feelings.

— "Where do I live?": If you are overwhelmed, find something short-term while you regroup.


story continues below
story continues below

— "What do I tell people?": "Spouse and I are separating. I’d rather not get into details now, thanks."

— "How do I navigate?": With confidence that you will be OK. Such shifts are scary but also necessary. Hang in there.

Carolyn Hax’s column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.



Copyright 2014 The Salt Lake Tribune. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Top Reader Comments Read All Comments Post a Comment
Click here to read all comments   Click here to post a comment


About Reader Comments


Reader comments on sltrib.com are the opinions of the writer, not The Salt Lake Tribune. We will delete comments containing obscenities, personal attacks and inappropriate or offensive remarks. Flagrant or repeat violators will be banned. If you see an objectionable comment, please alert us by clicking the arrow on the upper right side of the comment and selecting "Flag comment as inappropriate". If you've recently registered with Disqus or aren't seeing your comments immediately, you may need to verify your email address. To do so, visit disqus.com/account.
See more about comments here.
Staying Connected
Videos
Jobs
Contests and Promotions
  • Search Obituaries
  • Place an Obituary

  • Search Cars
  • Search Homes
  • Search Jobs
  • Search Marketplace
  • Search Legal Notices

  • Other Services
  • Advertise With Us
  • Subscribe to the Newspaper
  • Access your e-Edition
  • Frequently Asked Questions
  • Contact a newsroom staff member
  • Access the Trib Archives
  • Privacy Policy
  • Missing your paper? Need to place your paper on vacation hold? For this and any other subscription related needs, click here or call 801.204.6100.