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Grandma hurt by mother's power play

Published July 22, 2014 1:01 am

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • When my son's eldest started to talk, I encouraged her to call me "G-ma" because I didn't care for "Grandma." She never could learn G-ma, but instead called me Mamaji. I thought this was adorable and very special since it was her own idea. I became Mamaji. It is my email, user ID, I even had a T-shirt made! Not a word was said against it.

After giving birth to their second child almost four years later, I was informed that their mother did not want her children to call me by that name. My son indicated that she never did approve of the name but never said anything to me. Her rationale? She is their Mama, therefore my given nickname was suddenly unacceptable as it incorporates "mama." (Her daughter has always called her Mommy.) I tried to speak with her about it, explain how much it means to me, but she is adamant to the point of threatening to be punitive if I don't want to cooperate.

I am very sentimental and this hurts me deeply. This special name that my granddaughter gave me is now being discarded in what I feel is some sort of power play. She has been very manipulative in the past and this just seems to be taking it to a new level. My 5-year-old granddaughter is as confused as I am, as well as my daughter who wants her new baby to call me Mamaji when she learns to talk. Your thoughts?

Don't Call Me Grandma

Dear Grandma • A bunch.

First is that you can't win this, no matter how emphatically I or anyone else agrees with you or how snarkily I point out that "Grandma" has a "Ma" in it, too. If the child's mother has decided to dig in, then the issue is closed. Rail about it in the privacy of your own friendships — or more productively, don't — till it's out of your system, but in public you are On Board. And: Especially with your granddaughter, you are the voice of conciliation and reason. "I love your name for me, too, but it's just a name — and parents have their reasons for things. It doesn't change how much I love you." Run it by the parents that you'd like to make a game of renaming you together. Good sportsmanship rules.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

 

 


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