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Turn your dilemma into an adventure

Published May 20, 2014 1:01 am

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • I am writing because my husband and I are facing a huge dilemma. He cannot find a job in the U.S. He recently got a job offer in Asia and wants us to go. I have conflicting emotions about this, as I do not speak the language and feel it would be very isolating for me. I would be leaving all my family and friends. We have no kids and my husband thinks now is the time to take a risk. Any advice?

C.

Dear C. • I'm kicking this to the most badass motivational speaker I've run across: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt, of course. While "horror" is a tad strong for choosing to accept a job overseas versus, say, being deployed or deported there, I am sympathetic to concerns of isolation. Even for a gregarious person, parachuting into a language barrier and a cultural divide while your spouse heads off to work can be daunting. But, hello — er, konnichiwa/ni hao/anyong haseyo/etc. — there are language schools (in which you enroll the moment you OK the move), and expat communities, and Skype, and basic, inner resources that mankind has tapped into in the face of all manner of daunting experiences. So instead of "risk" or "dilemma," try on "adventure." "Challenge." "A chance to push my limits" ... or just "prove to myself I'm not soft." Then see how you feel about going. If you do agree to the move, vow to embrace it with your whole heart. In return, request a promise from him to pull the plug — after a year? x years? — should you develop a misery your efforts can't fix. Just make sure you choose a long enough period of time for you to reasonably expect some roots to grow, and arrive prepared. Considering that it can take a year or more for people to adjust to a domestic move, going there with an eye on the exit date will defeat the purpose completely.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.