Dear Carolyn • I’m a 21-year-old currently studying abroad at a great distance from my parents. I love my parents very much, and, as a result, we communicate frequently. During college, I would call my mother four or so times a week, but with the time difference, communication here is limited to email. I have to admit, I don’t mind the added distance.The problem is the distance has not decreased their protectiveness, which can be somewhat stifling. Recently, I had a cold, and I mentioned it to justify my decision to stay inside and watch movies with a small group of friends. Every email since then has ignored anything else I’ve wished to say and demanded to know why I haven’t seen the doctor, what the doctor has to say, why I’m not taking care of myself. By this point, the cold has passed. But I cannot persuade them that I don’t need to be rushed to the hospital. As a result, I’m tempted to stop emailing entirely. This move seems far too passive-aggressive, yet I feel that after months of this, it’s long past the time where I should say something. But what? I don’t want to lose touch with my parents or disappoint them, and I do genuinely enjoy emailing with them.How do I get them to trust that, as I’m old enough to live abroad for a year, I know what I need, and that if I don’t, figuring it out alone might be good for me?
Dear G. • Choosing not to email your parents anymore — or to selectively ignore anything that intrudes on your business — is not "passive-aggressive" (bzzzzzzz) if you send them this first: "Dear Mom and Dad. I am 21. You raised me well (and to excess! JK), and it’s time to trust that. I respect your opinion and advice — when I ask for it, not whenever you think I need it. "To that end, I am through discussing my sniffles, justifying my choices for evening entertainment, or otherwise running my daily life by you for approval. "I’m doing this because I love you, and this is what I need to keep our connection strong. "Yours in competence, I swear, "Pookie." Good luck.
Carolyn Hax’s column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
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