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Give your daughter the tools and let her work
First Published Apr 24 2014 01:01 am • Last Updated Apr 24 2014 01:01 am

Dear Carolyn • My daughter is in seventh grade. Her best friend brags a lot about her grades ("I got an A" ... said with a sing-songy voice). Same best friend has issues with perfectionism. Crumbles if she gets less than an A. My daughter is an all-A-and-one-B type of student so far, which is fine with us. We’re proud of her, yet we’re trying to teach the ethic that if you’ve done your best, then we’re happy and you should be happy too, since there is likely to be a really tough class someday where a B or even C+ is something you had to work hard to get. She and the best friend get along great save for this issue. I’ve been trying to think of ways to help my girl deflect the bragging, yet I think she’s loath to say any sort of "quip" in retort, because perhaps she knows instinctively that this girl lives for A’s, and has to have them or she comes apart. I don’t want to teach my girl to be mean or to ditch her friend, but I also don’t like seeing her be "made" to feel bad for not getting all A’s herself. Any ideas on how to deflect bragging short of dumping the friend?

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Dear H. • Wait — dumping the friend? Quips? Who’s the middle-schooler here? You don’t get to decide that deflection is your daughter’s best option; your job is to love her, teach her basic relationship skills, model empathy, encourage her to develop her own answers, and otherwise stay out of the way. In this case, I’d put empathy first. This best friend sounds terribly stressed over what is essentially an empty path. Hustling for grades devalues, and arguably undercuts, learning because grade-gunners tend to take fewer risks. To the extent your daughter invites your help, provide her with chances to understand her friend’s motivations better. "Is tearing someone else down the behavior of someone who feels good about herself?" If she says yes, then the next question presents itself: "Is that what you’d do, if you got an A and she didn’t?" A "no" answer at either point signals a lesson learned by your daughter that she can, on her own, learn to apply in real time as she deals with her friend. Revisit as needed.

Carolyn Hax’s column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.




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