Grade • F
DVD • In an apparent attempt to somehow piggyback on the theatrical movie "Noah" (set for release on March 8), the 1999 NBC miniseries "Noah's Ark" is being released on DVD.
No matter how bad Russell Crowe's movie is, it couldn't possibly be worse than producer Robert Halmi Sr.'s 168-minute abomination, which rewrites the Bible in significant ways.
Jon Voight portrays Noah like some sort of addled Zorba the Greek, or like a WWE wrestler as he brawls with his son on the deck of the ark.
When a lightning bolt hits a pagan temple, the priest looks up and says, "Nyaah! You missed me!" And during the flood, the ark is attacked by pirates straight out of "Waterworld."