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Parenting choices are being undermined
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • My mother-in-law asked me for Christmas gift ideas for my 4-month-old son. I said I thought he was too young for electronic toys and asked for something simple, like blocks, board books or a teddy bear. She bought him a "baby laptop" that lights up and plays music, saying, "Well, I didn't have time to travel back to the 1950s to buy him blocks." I am very upset that she not only completely disregarded our wishes but also insulted our choices. My husband agrees with me and does not understand why his mother did this. We firmly believe in the importance of creative play. Both my husband and I have had this discussion with her several times. Our choice may seem a bit strange, but I feel like she should respect our wishes regardless of whether she agrees. I also feel this situation is symbolic of a much larger problem. She questions every decision we make as parents and is constantly making snide comments about our choices. I am tired of fighting these battles with her. Any advice?

Tired Mom

Dear Tired Mom • Yeah. Duck. You're right about a larger problem, but it's larger even than the snide-comment problem. She could so easily just accept your child-rearing approach at face value. I mean, you're asking for blocks, not explosives. Instead, she's reacting to your choices. On top of that, she's handling her reaction poorly. " That's something you can work with, even if you strongly disagree. Instead she's sniping and undermining. You can't work with that. Such lashing out reveals that she's in shaky emotional health. Now, 2 + 2: Your different choices, to emotionally unhealthy people, are rejections — not of their choices, either, but of them. Your new family unit is what threatens her, of course, not blocks. She's feeling obsolete, maybe;or beneath your (perceived) hoity standards; or like the loser in a (perceived) competition for her son's attention. Or all three. So she elevates herself by sticking pins in your Fancy Pants Parents balloon. You can neutralize this. It takes time, though, plus patience, compassion, careful battle-choosing, and full spousal cooperation. You and your husband are in charge.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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