Dear Carolyn • For the past few years, my friend, L., has been receiving personal training from K. They have a long, strange history that until recently had normalized. In the last year they began to be intimate again despite his recent engagement to a woman in Texas and against my advice. The last time they saw each other, they were intimate but did not address his upcoming wedding or their situation. Now six weeks later, he is married and they are involved in a dispute regarding fees that has devolved into ugly messages and calls. L. is thinking about sending evidence of K.’s infidelity to his wife. I find this ridiculous and hurtful to everyone and am advising her to forego the money and move on, but it seems like her anger is about more. How can I convince her this is the worst approach? I’m trying to stop a petty dispute from escalating uncontrollably.
Please Withhold Name
Dear Please Withhold Name • Her anger is about more, clearly. It’s not, however, just about money + wounded feelings over his marrying someone else. This is about your friend’s emotional chaos. You want to know what to say to L., and therefore you need to focus on the fact that L. is now a year, at least, into a sequence of choices that are unproductive at best, and at worst self-destructive. Does she have any awareness of her own emotional health? Do you and she have any history of honesty about the larger meaning of such high-drama entanglements, be it with K. or with others, since surely there have been other dramas? If you do, that’s where you start — with a reminder that you and she have been down this unhealthy path before, and that she has managed to get herself off it before (right?). If you don’t have that precedent with her, then you need to start from scratch by pointing out, kindly but firmly, that her getting sucked into all this means she needs to take a deep breath and ask herself who she wants to be. Does she really want to be vengeful and destructive? Does she want more of this marriage’s blood on her hands than she already has? Does she want anger making her decisions for her? Or would she rather be guided by decency, courage and love?
Carolyn Hax’s column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
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