Today I want to write about what NOT to do when you get pulled over by the highway patrol on a Saturday morning. Consider this a little refresher course in case you haven't had the experience recently. You're welcome!
1. Don't speed in the first place • Trust me. The biscuits and sausage gravy at Angie's in Logan will still be there waiting for you. Same with the side of bacon.
2. Don't use your glove compartment as an archive and/or storage unit for anything except your CURRENT registration and proof of insurance • As soon as I saw the patrol car sitting on the side of the freeway, I knew I was going to get busted. And rightly so. I'd been going too fast, because you know how it is. Thinking about biscuits and sausage gravy (also bacon!) can make a person heedless.
So yeah. I totally deserved to be in trouble with the law. Little did the officers know, however, that they were in trouble, too, when they asked to see my registration and proof of insurance, because opening my glove compartment is just like opening one of those trick cans of "peanuts" full of trick "snakes" that come flying out every which way and smacking people in their faces.
Here's a list of what was in my glove compartment:
Every proof of insurance card ever printed since the invention of insurance;
Every car registration ever printed since the invention of the wheel;
An owners' manual for my car; an owner's manual for my refrigerator;
An owner's manual for every single major appliance I have ever owned in my entire adult life;
Receipts from Jiffy Lube;
Coupons from Jiffy Lube;
Coupons for everything including pizza, razors, laundry detergent, kitty litter, Lunchables, toothpaste, Halloween costumes, mattresses, and a manually operated dual reclining sofa.
Of course none of these papers was in order, so after awhile, the officers told me they'd wait for me in their car, where they ate their lunches, took a few naps and eventually grew to an advanced old age just like Rip Van Winkle right there on the 1-15 corridor.
3. Don't get out of your car • Of course I felt bad that I was wasting the officers' time, so when I found my registration (finally!) I leaped out of my car and headed in their direction, just to save them a few steps. As soon as the officers saw me, however, they leaped out of their car and told me to get back into mine. Drama!
I immediately realized, of course, this must be SOP whenever strange women approach them with registration information, along with expired coupons for pantyhose.
4. Don't make unnecessary small talk • There are times I feel compelled to make small talk, even though I'm not very good at it, which is probably the reason I once asked a fireman why firemen are cuter than cops. Not that I believe this, necessarily, but somehow that question just came flying out of my mind.
This, of course, made the fireman in question extremely uncomfortable since I was old enough to be his mother, so then I had to say OH, STAND DOWN, young man! I don't want to date you!
Actually, in this most recent case, my mouth and I were totally appropriate. I didn't ask my officers why firemen are cuter than they are, because both UHP officers were courteous and professional and also very nice-looking. Just like firemen!
So I'd like to give them a shoutout for doing their job well.
(And for giving me something to write about.)