Dear Carolyn • My girlfriend and I celebrated our two-year anniversary last weekend. She spent several hundred dollars on a gift for me, which I really appreciate. I did not give her a gift because, as a new homeowner, I am somewhat strapped for cash. When I realized her disappointment, I apologized for being an idiot and promised to make it up to her when I am more financially stable. She countered that if I could take two trips for bachelor parties this summer, I had no excuse not to set money aside for her as well. Though I started out apologetic, now I'm angry that she is (I feel) telling me how to allocate my money. I also feel pressure to keep apologizing, which I'm tired of doing. What do you think?
Dear Doghouse Blues • Then stop apologizing, and tell her the truth: Which is ... That you find her materialistic and demanding, with multi-hundred-dollar expectations of which you want no part? That you were just thinking of your own fun and failed to project what she'd want? Maybe you've said this already; if you have, then that's a complete sentence (in the punitive sense). It enables you to say, if you're pressured to apologize again, "I said I was sorry, and meant it. It bothers me that you seem unsatisfied by that." That you didn't equate these one-time-only, bachelor-party trips with buying things, because you value experiences with people over material gifts? If that's true, then you either offer an example of such experiences with her, ones that pass a laugh test, or you acknowledge that you haven't made similar efforts for her. Follow the latter by figuring out whether you value her but have taken her for granted, or simply don't value her as you do your buddies. I should say, before I continue with my flow chart none of these is intended as an accusation. Everyone values some people above others. It's what you do with this that can create problems.It isn't OK to stay in a relationship, for example, with someone you value less than you value partying with your buddies. I could go on, but by now I expect you have a pretty good idea what actually broke down here.
Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.